WHICH WAY DID HE GO GEORGE.........

So, I get a call from THE MEXICAN asking if I want to grab a beer. Her husband has just got back from working a 2 week stint and TATTERS is going as well. How can I say no…..
I meet them at one of the local bars in town. CUTE BOYFRIEND shows up and plays pool with THE MEXICANS HUSBAND. All is well and everyone is drinking and being merry. Well so we think……After a few (okay a little more than a few) pitchers of beer THE MEXICAN looks over at her husband and sees that he is pissed and in some guys face. She turns to TATTER and me and says, “My husband just called that guy a mother fucker we need to get him out of here.” THE MEXICAN and TATTERS handle the situation and they exit the bar.
(I later find out that the guy THE MEXICANS HUSBAND was arguing with had just swindled $20 from him.)

Not even 10 minutes later I get a call from THE MEXICAN, “FEMALE JIM, are you still at the local bar?”
FEMALE JIM, “Yes we are about to leave.”
THE MEXICAN, “Well my husband is walking between TATTERS house and yours.”
FEMALE JIM, “What….”
THE MEXICAN, “MY HUSBAND is walking between TATTERS house and your. I need you to pick him up.”
FEMALE JIM, “Uhhh okay. We will leave right now. Why is he walking?”
THE MEXICAN, “I told him to get out of the car because he called me a FUCKING BLEEP.”
FEMALE JIM, “I see..We’ll take care of him.”

Needless to say THE MEXICANS HUSBAND ends up at the other local bar across the street from my house. He is sitting at the bar and on the phone with his wife when we stumble in. He is pissed off and is insisting on walking home. I some how convince him to have another beer while I am listening to him rant about THE MEXICAN. Finally after one more beer I safely put him in a cab and send him home.

I have feeling that THE MEXICANS HUSBAND isn’t breathing anymore. Heres to good times with good friends who get wasted and make fools of themselves.

ARNIE & the bus

So, the girl is almost 15 years old and she doesn't want to learn how to ride the city bus.. Even though I have been bringing her to school and either me or CHOWDER HEAD have picked her up for the last 6 years!!! Do you know how much frickin gas I could have saved in that time? It's not like I'm going to stop dropping her off...She'll just have to get home via the bus. How hard can it be?

Where have all the drunks gone?

It's like no one wants to get drunk anymore. What the fuck is wrong with this picture? I go home.... I get drunk... I drunk dial..No one answers, no one calls me back.. No one even blogs anymore... Shit, even CHOWDER HEAD is being responsible these days.. FEMALE JIM has a new sponsor..
Maybe the party, THE LADY RIDING HER YELLOW CANARY is throwing will get everyone revved up.....

I certainly hope this doesn't last.. I don't want to go camping with a bunch of sober people this summer..

DUCT TAPE MOMENTS.........

Why is it that some of our friends just can’t keep their mouths shut…………….

I go out to a local bar last night with some friends to celebrate SOG’s birthday. However SOG had other plans and he left early. Good choice BTW. So, the rest of us gluttons proceed to drink and socialize. My CUTE NEW BOYFRIEND is hanging out and going through the gauntlet with my friends. First SOGS asks me, “Well when you get married are you going to have one more kid.”

First off, I’m not going to divulge my inner secrets with THOSE PEOPLE. And frankly they should know that and they shouldn’t ask.

Going further in the evening, CHOWDER HEAD becomes lubricated and lets her guard down. Then she proceeds to blab about an incident where her and her husband well did SOUTHERN BELL. After she has admitted to this event she proceeds to look at me and say, “Well Jim, At least I only tell my own secrets and I don’t divulge my FRIEND’S secrets.”

Although CUTE NEW BOYFRIEND didn’t run away screaming at the moment. I am sure he is wondering what skeletons I have in my closet or under my bed.

ALL HAIL FEMALE JIM!

I think this whole being in love and having a C.N.B. is going to your head.

HAPPY B_DAY SOG!

Are you ready to take on the responsibility of your very own baby goat?

CHEAP WHORES AND CIGARETTES

Which cost more?...................................................... And which is safer to suck on??

Just some food for thought.

WTF?

I want a drink!

EASTER BEER HUNT A MUST.........

I’ve so decided that we should have an adult Easter hunt each year. Yah I know this is a day to rejoice in the rising of Christ. So, what better way to do that than to have an EASTER BEER HUNT, get sloppy drunk, and pass out. This would be great at all family Easter dinners. The night before Easter everyone should gather around to decorate their favorite beer can. Then stuff them in the basket or 12 pack holders. While you are sleeping the Easter Bunny will come in and hide all of your Beer around the house and outside. If you are lucky there was an extra bonus put in your beer. Like cigarette butts.


Just Imagine Easter Morning………………..
You rise out of bed slightly hung over from the night before, but confident that you didn’t make an ass out of yourself.
You go straight to the fridge to look for a beer. To your dismay they are gone.
Perplexed by this discovery you reach for the coffee instead.
Low and Behold there is a beer behind the Coffee maker.
You put the coffee back. Open the beer and slam it. Wow that was refreshing.
As you walk towards the back door to smoke a cigarette you discover a shinning object behind the plant.
It’s a beer. You open it and slam it.
Now feeling slightly buzzed and brimming with joy and happiness with your finds you step outside for a cigarette.
As you light up you notice the dog kicking a shiny object in the yard.
You walk further to investigate. It’s a beer. You open it, give the dog a drink, and then slam it.
At this time you decide you better return the Easter Festivities before the others discover that you are missing.
You reach for the remote controller to turn the boob tube on and discover another beer hidden by the TV.
You get up, grab the beer, and slam it.
At this point, you are starting become very intoxicated. You stumble over to your spouse who is talking to her/his parents. You start to get frisky with the spouse.
The parents become outraged and immediately leave.
As you shut the door behind them you find another beer. You open it and slam it.
After passing out on the couch you wake up to discover that your spouse and kids have gone off to Easter Dinner and Church without you.
You get up to use the urinal and you discover a beer behind the toilet. You open it and slam it.
EASTER RULES!!! J

I"M HUNG OVER

I decided that I needed to drink the good portion of a bottle of vodka last night. I can't decide whether I'm still drunk or not. I did however, wake up with nicely shaved legs.... hmmm.. I don't remember taking a shower...??

DAMN TAXES

CHOWDER HEAD just came up to the front and was bitching about her amnded W-2 that THE OTHER SHITTY OFFICE just sent to her. She has already done her taxes and if she wants to be refunded the extra she paid she'll have to amend them. I suggested that she call them and have them pay for it. But, NO!! CHOWDER HEAD just wants to bitch about it. I then suggested that she at least call them and let them know what fuck ups they are. NO again. All she is gonna do is BITCH.

CHOWDER HEAD WANTS ME TO SPEND THE NIGHT

CHOWDER HEAD wants me to spend the night at her house on Saturday, get up early and cook food for Easter. I don't mind the cooking part, it's just that she has no good place to sleep. Also, knowing her she'll get totally waisted that night and I'll be obliged to join her in the frivolity. I told her today that I didn't want to do it and she suggested I sleep at SOUTHERN BELLS house.

CHOWDER HEAD MAKES A GREAT IMPRESSION

It was SOGS birthday on Sunday. We all gathered at her house to celebrate and watch some clips from her trip Belize. Actually the slide show was great. Nothing but pictures of them drinking beer and unsuspecting tourist holding cans of SPAM. We should rally to have SOG post some pictures from her trip.

Anyway, the party was pretty mellow and everyone was heading out early because SOGS had traveled all day. DANCING QUEEN invites me to her house. CHOWDER HEAD, her husband, and chitlins all followed. While I am there I invite UNSUSPECTING MALE PROSPECT over to visit. Why not, we are drinking and I might as well see how thick his skin is. I mean if he can’t survive a night with CHOWDER HEAD and DANCING QUEEN then he is doomed. As UNSUSPECTING MALE PROSPECT walks up to the door CHOWDER HEAD yells, “FEMALE JIM’S boyfriend is here.” I am surprised the poor guy didn’t do a Speedy Gonzalez and run for the hills.

Soon after UNSUSPECTING MALE PROSPECT has joined the crowd CHOWDER HEAD’s apparently got wasted because her true colors started emerging. She immediately starts in with the manly burps. You know the kind that the alphabet is said in the process of the burp. BTW, I don’t think this is great for impressing UNSUSPECTING MALE PROSPECT. I guess I am just grateful that it wasn’t coming out of the other end. UNSUSPECTING MALE PROSPECT also got to hear CHOWDER HEAD repeat numerous stories over and over.

In the end, UNSUSPECTING MALE PROSPECT survived and actually called me the following day. So, he may be a keeper.