BEER GOGGLES..........

First off, I didn’t get called in to THE BRIG over the weekend. I wonder if they fired me without letting me know. I have to figure out how to call them to get my paycheck without them wanting me to work there again.
Over all I had a really good weekend. I went to the movies with THE BEANER on Friday evening. Then we went out for a few drinks and eventually met up with SOGS and BLONDIE. All was a good time until the alcohol kicked in and every man in the bar looked like Brad Pitt. Apparently, I have a thing for picking up on ugly obnoxious men when I am drunk.
So, I go to up to the bar to buy myself a drink. There is this guy standing there. He starts talking to me and he has this heavy Australian accent. He says that he is a Rugby player who is visiting the states from New Zealand. Hmmm. This could be good conversation. I’ve always wanted to visit New Zealand, but haven’t found the time or the money. So, I invite him to our table. All is good conversation at first. Then I start to notice that he is grinding his teeth. (Kind of like a Gorilla or Monkey would do when they show their teeth at the zoo) Okay strange, but I’m not one to judge. He eventually asks me to dance. While I am dancing with MR. RUGBY his head keeps bobbing down towards my boobs. My first reaction is to deck the guy, but considering he is a Rugby player I opt not to go for that action. During conversation with MR. RUGBY I find out he isn’t all there. He is definitely missing a few marbles besides the fact that he is eyeing every girl that walks by. I later found out that the Rugby players in New Zealand don’t wear helmets or cups. So, this would explain a lot.
Eventually my friends convince me to leave with them while he is the bathroom. Apparently they thought he was strange and ugly, but for some reason they couldn’t find the time to tell me this before hand. I must purchase new Beer Goggles before my next outing that involves drinking. Otherwise who knows who I will end up with.

BACK TO THURSDAYS..........

THE BRIG hasn’t called me back to work. Not that I am disappointed. I personally hated being handcuffed to the dishwasher. Hats off to anyone that can take that abuse for more than a week.
Anyway, CHOWDER HEAD has decided to take advantage of my situation. Not only did she drop off her CHITLINS on Tuesday, but she also dropped off her CHITLINS last night as well. Do I look like some sort of Nanny?? The only reason I let her get away with that kind of behavior is because it gives me a reason to drink during the week.
Well, I thought I would be cleaver and not get drunk last night. I decided to drink wine instead of letting CHOWDER HEAD force the usual bottle of rum down my throat. However, I have been dieting by not eating dinner. This didn’t work out for me too well after I consumed bottle of wine by myself. Needless to say I ended up getting drunk by my own account. Not sure how that happened, but I actually can’t blame my hangover on CHOWDER HEAD this morning.
Can anyone tell me how to stop the banging in my head?? I think there are little men chipping at my brain. Thank god it’s Friday and I don’t have drink tonight. I must fall asleep on the couch tonight while watching a movie.

I WOULD NEVER DO THAT.....

A friend of mine sent this email to me today. On the Subject line it stated, "When I saw this, LOL, I thought of you." Apparently I am well respected amongst my friends.

I think we all know the men out there that would do something like this to a poor defenseless passed out female. I can even think of a few females that would do this to a poor defenseless passed out male. (I won't mention any names, SOGS.)

ALETA IS DRUNK AGAIN

Now Tuesdays too?
I swear, you should try saying NO at least 1 time in a week. Why do you think I stay away from your side of town during the week? I'd be crawling in like CHOWDER HEAD, totally hung over bitching about how FEMALE JIM is KILLING me.. But alas, I have no hang over today.. Too bad for the rest of you gluttons!

WHAT NOT TO SAY IN PUBLIC.......

I hooked up with my NEIGHBOR after I left THE BRIG on Friday evening. We found out that CHOWDER HEAD, SOME OFFICE GUY’S SIDEKICK, and SOME OFFICE GUY were out and about. We ended up meeting with CHOWDER HEAD and SOGS at a bar across the street from my house. CHOWDER HEAD was in rare form and it was apparent that both CHOWDER HEAD and SOGS were inebriated. SOG didn’t come out because CHOWDER HEAD was verbally abusing SOG by calling him a “stupid jew.” Life is good when you have good friends around to boost your ego.

Needless to say the evening was quit comical. I learned a couple things about CHOWDER HEAD this night. Well some things that I could have done without knowing. “I’ve never met a dick that I couldn’t find the shaft of.” Or “I have three pee holes.” I did learn that these things should not be said loudly in a bar full of men. In between CHOWDER HEAD flashing my NEIGHBOR (no wonder he likes hanging out with me) there was some controversy. CHOWDER HEAD swears, “All dicks are limp in the shower.” However my NEIGHBOR felt strongly that wasn’t true. I may have to spy on the NEIGHBOR and catch of glimpse of him showering now. How much time do you get for being a peeping tom??

MAFIA FAMILIA ???

I made it into THE BRIG last night. I wasn’t very happy with how things were going and I was still very bitter from Tuesday’s events. So, mid-way through the evening I confronted the MAMA GREEK. I told her that I didn’t think it was going to work out because I felt uncomfortable there. She immediately jumped up and with her Greek accent said, “Why is somebody bothering you?”
She made it impossible to quit. She told me a story about when she was 35 years old and she moved from Greece to America and PAPA GREEK (her husband) decided to buy a restaurant. She had no clue how they would mange considering they didn’t know the English Language. To this day she can only read and write the alphabet, numbers, and the menu. However she managed by teaching herself the English language and with this their business became successful. She also stated that she isn’t there to be my boss. She is there to be my mama. I have no idea what to think about this, but I am getting the feeling it’s like the Mafia. Every time you think you are out they pull you back in. So, I am going to give it a couple more days and then I am going to have to make up a really good lie to get out of this Familia. Does anybody have a suggestion?
I got home last night and called CHOWDER HEAD to vent. It was about 11:30pm. She invited me over for a cocktail, but I decline. She was slurring her words the entire conversation. I still love it when she does that. CHOWDER HEAD suggested I run like hell to get away from THE BRIG.

THE BRIG..............

Well thank goodness CHOWDER HEAD always has an endless supply of rum at her house. I popped over last night for a drinking intervention and a venting session regarding THE BRIG. I actually made it home at a decent hour. Although when I left CHOWDER HEAD was biting at the stubs of her nails. This is always a sure sign that she is drunk.
So, I would love an opinion on THE BRIG. Valentine’s Day was my first night to work at THE BRIG. I was hired as a server to wait on tables. THE BRIG got so busy that they couldn’t train me on anything. At one point I jumped in to clear, fill water glasses, and try to run food. Shortly after that the Greek Mama who is the head of the family pulls me in the back to wash dishes. All the dishwashers were out doing deliveries. I washed freaking dishes for 2 hours in my $40 tuxedo shirt. It took all my strength not to walk out. The whole time I was thinking I am making minimum wage while I wash dishes. I can’t make any tips doing dishes. By the end of the night I got a whole 2 tables. I have contemplated not returning. However, one of the servers told me that when it’s a normal night it’s not like that and that I could make “Really Good Money” working there. So, naturally I am curious to what “Really Good Money” consists of. The most tips I have made in one night is $120. I am assuming “Really Good Money” is more than that.

What would you do……Would you return, and try to make it work to find out what “Really Good Money” is?? Or would you just not show up again??

THURSDAYS MOVING TO WEDNESDAYS......

I just started a new evening job. The owners of the restaurant I am working at are absolutely insane. They are full Greek and it is a family run restaurant. We have all seen, “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”, need I say more…. So, we are going to call this job, “The Brig”. I may only be there long enough to make a couple extra bucks, because my Irish heritage is definitely conflicting with the Greek Heritage.
Unfortunately, I must go back to THE BRIG on Thursday evening. On the plus side I do not have to go in tonight to work. My evening last night at THE BRIG was disturbing, and I couldn’t have a drink after my shift. So, I will definitely need to drink tonight. However I must make sure I don’t get too drunk. I will have to work a 14 hour day on Thursday and I will need all my strength so I don’t kill anyone.
To make a long story short, I must call CHOWDER HEAD and SOME OFFICE GUYS SIDEKICK for a quick drinking intervention this evening. Also, since I won’t have my usual Thursday evening cocktail this will keep my alcohol levels flowing normal.

VALENTINE'S DAY........PUKE

Here is to those couples whose hearts beat as one….
They all give each other names like hun…
For when I see their lips touch…
It makes me want to loose my lunch…
If it was legal to them I would take a tazor…
And I’d slit my wrists if I had a razor…

Can you tell that Valentine’s Day is my least favorite holiday?? This doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that I don’t have a Valentine at the moment. I really am very well adjusted into my single life regardless of what anyone tells you.
That’s why when CHOWDER HEAD decided to have a Valentine’s Day party I thought I was going to puke. And of course this was a couple only party. Urrrghh. I haven’t accepted being single yet. I haven’t even been on a date. Nor would I feel comfortable going on a date.
However, I was being harassed by CHOWDER HEAD to come up with a date. If I had the money I would have just hired a lesbian escort, but as it goes I am not only single but very broke as well. So, I decided to invite the neighbor to be my lesbian escort. He subtly rejected my offer. That may have something to do with another friend of mine trying to accost him at the last party.
Considering that I didn’t have a date, I figured I would not show for the party. I was settling in for the night to watch a movie when my phone started ringing. It was CHOWDER HEAD. “Get your Ass over here. You can be my SCHIZOPHRNIC COUSIN’S date.” I can’t tell you the joy that I felt at that moment. The entire weekend was great for my self-esteem.
Needless to say, I did get my Ass over there a little later in the evening. As I walk in there are flower pedals on the ascending stairs. As I reached the top of the stairs I soon found out I was in Valentine’s Day hell. Hearts, hearts, hearts and more hearts. Everywhere. In order to cope I quickly find a drink. Apparently I arrived in time for the evening’s main event of ‘Pin the boobs on the babe’. Lucky me….
There was even a naughty gift exchange which I didn’t participate in. As the evening progressed we found CHOWDER HEAD passed out in her bed. We took advantage of the naughty gift exchange and used the black ties to tie her to the bed. We took pictures which will be used later to blackmail and extort money from CHOWDER HEAD and her husband.
In conclusion, I hate couples that like to flaunt Valentine’s Day in front of lonely singles such as myself.

VOICES...........

I woke up this morning to three voices arguing in my head.

Voice #1 Stay in Bed, FEMALE JIM. Call in sick to work today. They don’t need you it’s the slow season.

Voice #2 FEMALE JIM, get your Ass out of bed. You’re going to be late for work.

Voice #3 Kill CHOWDER HEAD

Yes this is how I wake up the every Friday morning for the past month. Well since CHOWDER HEAD and her husband decided to take fencing lessons and dubbed me to watch their kids on Thursday evenings. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy the kids. It’s what comes after that always makes Friday mornings undesirable.
In walk CHOWDER HEAD and her husband. They look a little sweaty. It must have been a good fencing lesson. Even the older of the two children knows something terrible is about to happen because she runs and hides in the other room. Me on the other hand greet them with smiles and eye the bag in her husband’s hand. It’s rum. I haven’t drank in a couple days and tomorrow is Friday, why not.
Hours later……I’m trying to keep up with CHOWDER HEAD. The bottle of rum is almost gone and I think CHOWDER HEAD is starting to slur her words. Oh I love it when she does that. Her Husband walks in and tells her the rum is gone. CHOWDER HEAD, “It’s time to go hoomme.”
Of course at this point the evil voices in my head say, “What no more rum. Let’s make a rum run. It’s only……Oh shit….It’s time to go to bed.”
This is why I thank the Espresso gods for putting a coffee stand on every corner in the dear city I live in. And I equally thank the Bagel gods for providing free bagels at the office on Friday mornings. If it wasn’t for these two things I would have succumb to voice #1. I'm still contemplating giving in to Voice #3 .

ALETA IS DRUNK AGAIN: WHY THURSDAYS??

thursday is the day.....
I am wondering why I haven't gotten the memo. I keep getting drunk on Wednesdays, dammit! Probably cause i'm so tired out from fencing my ass off.

WHY THURSDAYS??

It’s Thursday and CHOWDER HEAD is coming over to force a bottle of rum down my throat.
CHOWDER HEAD and her husband have been taking Fencing lessons on Tues and Thurs for the past month now. Every Thurs I get the pleasure of watching their two little girls. This is fun and entertaining, but as soon as fencing is over CHOWDER HEAD with her husband in tow show up at my house with a bottle of rum. I’m pretty sure there may have been a few times where CHOWDER HEAD has used a funnel to poor the rum down my throat.
Needless to say I will wake up Friday morning in a drunken haze and quite possibly a huge hangover. I will some how make it through work the whole time praying that somebody take me out of my misery. However, it will all be worth it if CHOWDER HEAD gives me some entertaining stories to post on the blog. That is almost a guarantee.

CLAM CHOWDER ANYONE.............

A couple weeks back I went to a friend’s house for dinner. She made clam Chowder. We are all drinking, eating, conversing, playing games, and having a good time. Aleta, as usual, begins her binge drinking right after walking in the door by downing multiple glasses of Vodka in a short period of time. (You see…Aleta will tend to get wasted when the rest of the group has just begun to enjoy a buzz.) All of a sudden….Aleta is drunk again.
“Time to go hoomme.” Aleta says. Thank goodness Ian, Aleta’s husband, stays sober since I rode in the same vehicle as them. We gather the children and head to the van. Ian and I are waiting for Aleta while smoking a cigarette. Out from around the corner comes Aleta with a full glass of Vodka in her left hand and a 2 quart tub of Clam chowder tucked securely under her Right arm. She is happy as can be strutting along on the ice that is covering the pavement.
Then it happens. The moment that is completely and utterly priceless. This moment that has kept me chuckling for weeks. Aleta’s feet come out from under her. She tumbles face down on the ice. Aleta lifts her head in a daze. She has managed to keep grip of her glass and the tub of Clam Chowder. However her glass is now empty and the lid of the tub had popped off and 1/3 of the chowder is missing.
Wait here comes another priceless moment ….The visual of Aleta once she emerges from the ground is hysterical. With the help of her husband, Aleta manages to get up off the ground while still clenching the tub of Clam Chowder. She now has clam Chowder dripping off the top of her head and it is completely covering the front side of her body. I’m surprised I didn’t pee my pants at this point. Aleta gathers herself and without a beat starts asking, “What happened.”
Needless to say, we will refer to Aleta as CHOWDER HEAD for all further correspondence.