Well shit!

Now that F.JIM has the next 9 months tied up with SOBER FUN, I am drinking harder than ever.
I had an insane moment of thought, that maybe I should get el'prego just to stay sober...
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
YEah right!!!
Well, I must apologize for not contributing for awhile..
I woke up after a couple month binger in the trash can across the street from my house. Thank goodness that stray was licking my face! I probably would have wound up in the dump!
So! I'm back up now, ready to take on the blogging world again.
Gotta make up for the lack of drunkards around these days!


GOD! F.JIM, why'd you go and get knocked up at this crutial time in my life?
Who the hell can I depend on to drink with now? CHOWDER HEAD????

EVERYONE MUST DIE......................

I managed not to kill anyone, but that wasn’t from a lack of trying. Unfortunately I don’t have any real weapons at work. I tried to use my old rusty dull scissors by throwing that at an unsuspecting person walking next to my cubicle. But I miscalculated the throw due to the weight of scissors and it just hit the wall on the opposite side of my cubicle. It did however make a huge thump. So, I quickly pretended that I fell down. A few people came over to help me. I tried stabbing those people with the pen that I had in my hand but I only proceeded to tattoo them with blue ink.
After I didn’t succeed with those attempts I proceeded to the break room. I took the butter out of the fridge and greased up the seat on a couple chairs. Although a few people slide off the chairs it didn’t really cause the damage that I was looking for.
Off to the bathroom. Okay this one is tricky considering we have a public bathroom. And I had to think really hard. I just decided to saran wrap a couple toilets. Only one girl fell for it. She came out of the bathroom sobbing and was quickly sent home with pay. Now the saran wrap has been taken out of the kitchen and all the women are being watched closely.

OFF THE SAUCE.................

Well I deeply regret having to provide this terrible news to my fellow drunken bloggers. This truly is a tragic day in the history for all those that have ever woke up with a stage 5 hangover.
I, FEMALE JIM, will be out of commission for at least 9months. Yes you guessed it I am pregnant. And since society frowns on those who drink while being pregnant I have decided to put the bottle down.
For those of you who feel my pain, don’t worry. For I am comforted by the words of CHOWDER HEAD.
“Just think…You won’t have a hang over for the next 9 months. Plus once you start to show you won’t have any fat rolls.”
Thank you CHOWDER HEAD for those kind words.

I can only hope that SOGS, TRASHLEY, and CHOWDER HEAD continue to live the good life and bring us some crazy drunken stories. Actually, I may have to hang out with my drunken friends just to get some good blogging stories. After all I will be so coherent I may remember the entire evening.

Signing off for now,

FEMALE JIM

WHAT IF ??????????????????

Okay I have become obsessed w/ the HUDDLES. Today was my turn. And after spending numerous hours on the computer researching ideas I finally made a decision. I decided to play “What if” with my group.

For those of you who don’t know what that is here are the directions:
You give everyone in the group a piece of paper and a pen.
You have them write a “What if” question. It can be about anything. For example: What if monkeys flew out of ass??
Then you put all the questions in a bucket and redistribute them to everyone in the group.
Nobody can have their own.
They are then to answer the question they pulled out of the bucket.
Everyone throws the answer and question back in the bucket.
The group then redraws.
You start out by having the first person read their question, the second reads their answer, the second reads their question, and the third reads their answer.
You continue this until the group is done reading.
Hopefully the results are humorous.

Anyway, it actually went pretty good. I was surprised by the questions that my group put out there. I told them they could write a question about anything as long as it was business appropriate. Some the questions and answers were hilarious.

What if somebody walked into OUR COMPANY without any clothes on??
What if we ran out of toilet paper??

So, now that I have engaged my unsuspecting HUDDLE people, I will really have to step up the bar next time around. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions let me know.


BTW Trashley I thought your HUDDLE idea was great. So, I passed it on to the HEAD HONCHO. If he doesn’t use this I am so going to use it myself.

Only at a level 1 today. I’m wondering what I did wrong. I tried to get to at least a level 3 but nothing. Hmmmmm. I’ll have to step up my drinking tonight.

RISE TO THE HUDDLE???????????

Do corporations have too much time on their hands??

I want to know how to get into a position where I can just sit around thinking of a customer service activity. Especially one that involves the theme music to ‘Snakes on a Plane.’
As I had blogged previously my employer has incorporated daily Huddles. This is where we meet as a team in the very early am (urgh) to discuss the daily customer service idea. We are emailed the daily Huddle topics with a short scenario. Everyone in the team must alternate hosting the meeting.

Most of the times these meetings run dry w/ the host being (to be polite) dull. Well the HEAD HONCHO put out the challenge to hosting the meeting to the theme of ‘Snakes on a Plane’. You can actually win money ($100). Since my warsher just took a dump I so need the money. Of course I think this is ludicrous but fortunately I had a few drinks last night and so I’m feeling creative. BTW….at a level 2 today.

I so need to rise to the occasion on this challenge. However I need ideas. So, everyone needs to put on their thinking caps, become customer focused, and give lots of ideas. I need to WOW the HEAD HONCHO. So fellow bloggers what do you think???????????????

GOODBYE TO LA DUNGEON..................................

I think I finally quit LA DUNGEON. I normally work every Gosh Darn Friday evening at LA DUNGEON. I am so burnt out on this schedule. Now that CUTE FIANCE is all moved in there isn’t a necessity to work 2 jobs. Plus I haven’t been making any money there and I got cut down to one day a week.
Well I decided that I would much rather partake in a wine tasting event on Friday evening than work at LA DUNGEON. So, I called THE BIG ITALIAN MEATBALL Guy and made up a great lie about not being able to work on Friday. “Hello….You won’t believe what happened. LITTLE JIM has an award ceremony for Friday night. Sorry that I won’t be able to make work that evening.” Oh BIG ITALIAN MEATBALL Guy got really upset with me. Started saying things like “Your not commited to LA DUNGEON” or “Well I guess you aren’t available to work anymore.”
Of course B.I.M.G. doesn’t take in consideration that I have worked for him for 1 year. He is frequently cutting my days even when I really needed the money. He had his girlfriend working there who would get drunk all the time. Then he let her go. To bring her back (she is sober now) and cut my days.
Well personally MR. B.I.M.G. I don’t feel bad. After all, even if I did a few glasses of wine would fix that.

YEAH…..No more LA DUNGEON. (until he is in a bind and calls me to work.)

BTW...................I'm at a level 1 today.

Corn

I love corn. I eat it out of the can several times per week. It's not just that I love the taste of corn, however. Corn is by far the funniest food. Funny, you ask? Yes, funny. This morning I got up at an unfortunate level 0 (long story, will make up for it tonight). Had a cup of coffee and a cig. ***Do you know where I am going with this now?*** Inevitably, the POOP needs to happen. There is something about a cup of coffee and a cig that makes ya gotta poo. I dash to sit on my throne, and do my doo. There is something different about this poo. I can tell. I know the feeling. I start to giggle before I even look. I am excited. Where's my damn camera? Is my MONSTER awake to share? I wipe.....taking my time.....building up to the moment. I slowly pull up my jammy bottoms. A bead of sweat has formed on my brow. The anticipation is killing me. With butterflies in my stomach I slowly turn around......and I look. Floating around the bowl are several pieces of CORN, looking as if they were never digested (I can never figure how that happens as I do chew my food). I gazed at my creation for only a few seconds (who wants to stand there in the stench of their own crap?) I flushed and walked away with a victorious feeling and splash of self confidence. I love corn.

Dear Passer-Outer.......................

A little something from SOG.......................

This comes from a recent experience that he had w/ a school Teacher. However, I think there was vomit involved in that event.

Dear Passer-Outer,

There are a few things I'd like to thank you for:

Thank you for wanting to have sex with me. You couldn't, but your heart was in the right place.

Thanks for the ego boost. You were really hot and into me... until you passed out.

Thanks for making me realize that I am, indeed, a gentleman and that I truly do respect women. A lesser man would have taken advantage of the situation. I know I am not one of those guys. Once you were out, it really wasn't fun anymore.

Thanks for the drinks from the mini-bar. You were passed out, naked. And I really needed a drink.

Thanks for letting me tuck you into bed. You don't remember, but trust me, it was really cute.

Thanks for not vomiting. Seriously.

Thanks for the fun time at the bar. In retrospect, I should have taken you back to your room much, much sooner.

Thanks for buying shots, all 5 of them. I really enjoyed that.

Thanks for being as drunk as I was. Scratch that, you were drunker.

But most of all, thanks for being from out of town. More than likely, there won't be that awkward moment when we run into each other, and you try to figure out where you know me from.

Cheers to you Passer-Outer! You were fun. I just wish I knew what your name was.

TODAY IS THE DAY

OMG! This is the first time this week that I actually DON'T have a hangover.... Being sober and all, I feel as if I'm really not living up to my potential. I'll have to take care of that tonight when my CUTE B.F. comes in from the slope.

FEMALE JIM, are you hung over? Tell me you got wasted for the team last night.

Here we go again........

So, girls night last night....Right? We all meet at the predestined locale, chit chat it up..drink beer.... Blah blah blah...
CHEF SISTER is hell bent on meeting this guy for a drink afterwards. Right? Well, we're winding up the evening w/ the girls and CHEF SISTER's BALD FIANCE' shows up.. Now me being the good sister I am, I try to cover up for her and tell him that we really don't want him tagging along because I'm actually the one meeting up w/ the guy. The whole time I'm trying to explain to the BALD FIANCE' that my CUTE B.F. is just fine with this because we have a mature, secure relationship. He seems somewhat doubtful, but goes along with it and leaves. We proceed to the LOCAL ROTATING BAR.. right? following along?
Well, this just opens up a can of worms..
**** Let me give you people in blog land a little advice.. Don't lie. It's bad for your reputation.****
So we order our first of many RED HEADED SLUTS, which for those of you that haven't experienced this drink, it consists of Jaeger, pineapple juice and Peach Schnapps.... hmmmmm??? I'm thinking twice about that drink right now.

SAid DUDE shows up. He's SO NOT CHEF SISTER's type. and in her defense, she had no intention of persuing any type of a relationship with DUDE, strictly interested in being a friend. He, (of course) has other designs..
Well, me, (being the drunken belligerent person I am) I start in on DUDE. For some reason my beer goggles lead me to believe he is gay,( which I TOTALLY believe he is in a world of denial) I then tried to convince him of it. (He wore waaaaay too much gold jewelry to not be gay.) Not to mention both his ears were pierced and he a pinky ring on EACH pinky!
I made him take off all his jewelry. I then put it on and took pictures on his phone of his gold nugget necklace dangling between my breasts..
I'm such a great drunk! Lemme tell ya. I made it home and stumbled to bed. Woke up this morning with DUDEs gold bracelet still on my wrist, ( I forgot, I switched my fancy (oh so more gay) silver bracelet with him) and got MINI ME to school on time and me to work.

Now, THAT is how a professional drunk does it.

I'M ABOUT 3 STARS TODAY ***

This was sent to me and I feel it is only appropriate to post it here..

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke--yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your ass is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'Floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now...

MISSING IN ACTION..............

Has anyone heard from SOG??

First off his blog hasn’t been updated since August 23rd.
Second he normally emails me on a daily basis, but I haven’t heard from him in a couple days.
Third I believe he is on Chorizo Buwito rotation and I have yet to receive a Buwito today.
Fourth the last I heard he had found love at the bank. See the picture.

Is it possible that SOG has eloped with his beloved mystery woman wearing the helmet?
Or did SOG meet up with his beloved mystery woman wearing the helmet, start to make love to her, and then get caught in a roll or crevasse.

Will anybody volunteer to be apart of the rescue party? I believe SOG will be so happy that he might even spread joy and happiness.

HUDDLES.................

The management here at my CORPORATE JOB has put together a program to empower employees. Our day starts by meeting in a HUDDLE. This involves groups of 10 or less that last 15 minutes or less. Each day CORPORATE has sent out daily quotes and topics. Such as, “customer service, being proactive, etc.” Each person in the HUDDLE takes turns hosting the HUDDLE.

Well today was finally my day. The topic was “Teamwork.” Inspired by the season premier of LOST I decided to play a little game with my co-workers. I wanted to see how well they interacted as a team. Well I gave them a Survival scenario where they had to rank items of importance that they would need if they crashed in a plane in at sub zero temperatures.

My co-workers actually impressed me. They all came up with some good answers. All totally wrong, but still good. And all day I’ve had people come up and say, “Good Huddle” “Hey I heard your Huddle was good” or “That was fun.” I actually inspired my co-workers today and not one of the ungrateful bastards thanked me with a monetary gift. I think for the next HUDDLE we might have a game that involves some fear factor stunts.

I need to POOP

CHOWDER HEAD is saying that she is punishing herself by not getting her car out of jail... This means that I will end up picking her up all next week for work. The idea of her being my slave is great. It just isn't working out like I thought it would.

CHOWDER HEAD IS MY SLAVE

New House 3

I wonder how many times I can post the same post?
As everyone can see, I'm excited about the prospect of having a slave.

The New House 2

Not sur eif the first blog is going to post or not...Needless to say I must sum up.
CHOWDER HEAD has commited to being my slave.
What should I make her do first?

The New House

So, I broke in my new house last night. Had people over and built a fire. WHOO HOO!! By the end of the night CHOWDER HEAD said she would be my slave if I picked her up for work in the morning.
isn't that great news?
CHOWDER HEAD is now my slave!!!!
What do you think I should make her do first?

The New House

So, I broke in my new house last night. Had people over and built a fire. WHOO HOO!! By the end of the night CHOWDER HEAD said she would be my slave if I picked her up for work in the morning.
Isin't that great news?strong> CHOWDER HEAD is now my slave! What do you think I should make her do first?

CROUCHLESS................

There is nothing like the rush of the morning. You know dragging yourself out of bed. Dashing to get out the door on time while trying to look decent. Well, this morning was no different for me. I’m going through my daily panic attack of, “Oh SHIT I should have left the house 5 minutes ago.” I grab some underwear and all my clothes, quickly get dressed and leave the house.

I make it to work 1 minute before our daily huddle is scheduled. Pheeew. After the huddle I go to relieve myself. I look down at the crouch of my underwear which is missing. “What happened??” It took me a minute to realize that my lovely dog chewed out the crouch and they were only hanging together by a string. Needless to say, I had to toss them.

So, I am at work underwear less. Actually it kind of feels good. I now wish I could work on my computer naked. It would be like home, and I would be way more productive.

OUCH!

Damn! Mission accomplished! I am totally HUNG today. I neeeeeed a chorizo burrito.
Why do I always feel the need to analyze everything when I'm fucked up? Why can't I just be a contented drunk?
Girls night lasted one too many beers last night and when I got home I continued to lubricate myself. THEN, as if that wasn't enough, I decided to smoke some BOB.. Right about this time my CUTE B.F. came home. I strongly urged him to take part in my debauchery, (which of course he did, cause I'm irresistible)
Well...Needless to say I started espousing about relationships, how SO many people take one another for granted, how SO many people stifle each other, how if he ever felt that I was stifling him that he had my permission to find someone who wouldn't, and if I felt he were stifling me I would do the same...and on and on and on.....Til I passed out. Face first.
**I know this cause I woke up in the same position I landed..***
Well.. Now I have spent the whole day not only hung over, but reassuring my CUTE B.F. that I still love him..Poor guy.
I think I'm going to make him sign something stating: Any thing I have said while drunk, I am never to be held responsible for ever...
Or am I the one that should be doing the signing? My brain is in turmoil today. I can't think.

THAT's iT!!

I have decided to get good and drunk tonight. It seems as if I'm the only one that does it anymore so, DAMN IT! I'm gonna! No one can stop me!

DAMN IT!

I want to have a party. Oh shit! I just remembered! YUCKA YUCKA YUCKA!!!! This Saturday. Which just so happens to coincide w/ CHEF SISTER's B Day. (She'll be coming after work) OOOOhhHhhhHh! I can't wait! You should bring STUMBLY!

STUMBLY..............

Well you learn something new everyday even about CUTE FIANCE. Saturday night we all gathered at CHOWDER HEAD’s house for some social recreation. When CUTE FIANCE and I arrived everyone was huddled in the garage for a BEER PONG tournament.

After making drinks for ourselves, CUTE FIANCE and I join the others and I immediately jumped into the game. After only 10 minutes of play time I made it into a cup causing an opponent to chug his beer. I hand my paddle over to CUTE FIANCE who immediately spills his drink all over the table. The rules clearly state that if you spill you must chug the fullest glass on the table. CUTE FIANCE disappears upstairs while I am finishing out the BEER PONG tournament.

Afterwards, I find him talking with CHOWDER HEAD on the balcony. But something is different. CUTE FIANCE went from sober to drunk. It was the fastest that I have ever seen anyone do that. I think he may have set a new record. CUTE FIANCE becomes STUMBLY when he gets drunk. He sways left to right when walking and quite often has to grab onto the walls for support. Well this night was no different. We shall now rename CUTE FIANCE “STUMBLY” for the rest of this blog.

STUMBLY is heading towards the house from the Balcony. SLAAAMM…goes the sliding glass door. Sway…sway…stumble…recover from almost falling down…plop down in big chair in living room. CHOWDER HEAD, “You want to play a game.” We all head over to the table to play ten thousand. STUMBLY finds his way over to the table, plops down, and slumps over the table. Now very obvious to everyone that STUMBLY is drunk. STUMBLY interrupts the game by getting up to smoke. SLAAAMMM….goes the sliding glass door. Okay, Now I am thinking it maybe time to call a cab and head home. SLAAAAMMMMM….goes the sliding glass door and in sways STUMBLY. Grab onto the wall to the right. Grab on to the back of the chair on the left. Repeat until reaching his own chair and then PLOP.

ME: “Hey STUMBLY, are you ready for me to call a cab home.”
STUMBLY: “Umm Sure.”

15 minutes later the cab arrives. Help STUMBLY down the stairs, out the door, and into the cab. The cab right is literally 5-10 minutes away. The cost was $6.75. So, you know its close. STUMBLY passes out in the cab. Make it home in less than 10 minutes. “STUMBLY we are home. Wake up STUMBLY. It’s time to pass out in bed.” STUMBLY pulls himself out of the cab. The cabbie looks at me and smiles as I hand him the fare. Sway…Sway goes STUMBLY.

I DID IT!

I haven't been feeling well these past couple days and I thought that I would go home and try to drink my sickness away.
I was once told that in order to cure a cold you lay in bed with a hat on one foot. You then drink untill the one hat turns to two.
Well, I can attest that it doesn't work.
Now I am not only sick, but totally hung over.
I need to go home, curl up into a ball and die.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHOWDER HEAD

Happy Birthday to you…..(cha cha cha)
Happy Birthday to you…..(cha, cha, cha)
Happy BIRTHHHHDAAAYYY dear CHOWDER HEAD
Happy Birthday to you

You’ve got to be close to mid-life crises by now.

WHERE HAVE ALL THE GOOD DRUNKS GONE????

I am sitting her contemplating why no one shares their drunken escapades anymore? Are we losing interest? I can attest to the shortage of parties, and the growing number of DWI's.. But does that mean we should forgo our drunkenness??? NO! I want the world to know that I will forever be a drunk! As a matter of fact, I am going to go straight home tonight and get drunk just to celebrate. DO YOUR PART!!!! Get drunk too!

Are you talking to me.............

I can’t believe that somebody who I thought was my friend accused me of being an alcoholic.

Here is the exact quote; “Being an alcoholic that gets drunk all the time isn’t any better than a drug addict, it’s just a different drug of choice.”

What is wrong with this world? What happened to true friends that would let you live in denial comfortably without giving you any hassles. I just don’t get it.

And the gull to try to tell me that drugs are equal to Alcohol. Hmmm. What drug is that? Meth, heroine…Those are great and I certainly wish those were party favors at every party that I went to. Actually they should hand those out at work. Then nobody would want to leave. As a matter of fact employees would be itching to come back to work way before their next shift started. Paging their boss while saying things like; “But Mr. Peterson I just need to work a little more tonight. I know the last time I invited a bunch or whores to the office, but I swear that won’t happen again. Dude I’ll only ask you this one favor.” How can you say that drugs and alcohol are all equal? They are not. Some have a higher street value than others. With the rate that taxes keep sky rocketing on Alcohol and Tobacco I may have to resort in using drugs.
After all if I was meant to be sober then God wouldn’t have created Alcohol or drugs.

I certainly don’t think I am in denial, but I will think about this over a drink and a cig tonight.

CAMPING

This sign reminded me of a story that CHOWDER HEAD kept repeating the last time I saw her. CHOWDER HEAD, husband, and kids along with SOUTHERN BELL and HOWLIE apparently all went camping a couple weekends back. CHOWDER HEAD had her usual consumption of alcohol and I am certain became completely snockered. I wouldn’t doubt if she repeated an episode from the Memorial Day camping trip and fell into the fire and then proceeded to do a summersault over one of the camping chairs. (Which I am pissed that I missed). What I do know for sure is that CHOWDER HEAD did was a lot of puking. Why do I know this because she has told me at least 10 times.

Considering buying this sign for CHOWDER HEAD or at least a chum bucket for the next time I camp with her.

REWARD

I was having a nice casual 4th of July. The sun is shining. It’s about 70 degrees. We are sitting at CUTE BOYFRIEND’s Parents house. They have a house on a lake. The kids are taking the paddle boat out and swimming. CUTE BOYFRIEND and I are drinking beer and cooking burgers on the BBQ. Well one beer leads to another and so on.
We were invited to SOGS’s CUTE BOYFRIEND’s house to watch fireworks. We arrive about 3 hours early for the event. CUTE BOYFRIEND runs to the store to buy vodka to make cosmos. Which are very delicious and go down way to easy.
The fireworks finally go off. I have no idea how much longer we stayed or how many cosmos I consumed. Because all of a sudden I went from sober to drunk. “What Happened?” Of course I don’t realize this until I wake up this morning to go to work and my head feels like it’s going to explode and there is the gut wrenching pain in my belly.
Now, we all know that I would never overindulge in activities that involve alcohol. I am much too sophisticated to participate in events involving being drunk. So, I know that somebody forced me to participate by putting a gun to my head and pouring alcohol down my throat through a funnel (otherwise known as a straw).
I am starting a bounty for anyone that can bring this varmint in alive. We must teach people like this a lesson in drinking ethics. Everyone must rally together to give this unforsaken monster a moral lesson in debauchery.

WANTED ALIVE BUT SERVERLY BEATEN
FOR THE VARMINT THAT FORCED FEMALEJIM
TO DRINK IN EXCESS AND CAUSING A TRAIN WRECK IN
HER HEAD THE MORNING AFTER
REWARD: 1 CASE OF BEER

OH! MY ACHING HEAD!

CHOWDER HEAD and I PIE didn't leave untill about 1am last night. Next week I'm going to invite her over Sunday, get her totally wasted, then go to bed.. She's right, I do hate her this morning...

Oh Dear sweet CHOWDER HEAD

Last night CHOWDER HEAD and I catered at a Summer Solstice party. It's kinda dead, so we get off on the early side.(12am) We have a couple drinks upstairs and decide to head home. On the way home we stop off at the Eagle River Bowling Alley to have a drink and relieve our bladders.
It's a wild night for bowlers.
The bar is full of drunks, and they are all singing Kareoke.(sp?) Well, get a few drinks in me and I have to sing a song. They call my name, and I proceed to belt out my best rendition of, "Ruby Don't Take Your Love to Town".... In the middle of the song CHOWDER HEAD comes up and starts cheering me on. I mean actually CHEERING. Stuff like, "GO SOGS! YOU CAN DO IT!COMMON PUT YOUR HEART IN IT!" etc....
I get done and run back to the bar.. I'm ready to call it a night. CHOWDER HEAD comes back to the bar and tells me:
"I really liked that song,so I signed you up to sing a few more"

WHY??????!

Why am I the only one that blogs anymore? I feel so lonely and neglected. I blame you F.JIM. I expect you to go to CHOWDER HEAD's house at least once a week and gather fodder for this damn blog. DO YOUR PART DAMN IT!

That Mother Fucker!

About a week ago my car broke down. It started squeeling, the power steering went out, and it over heated. It's been sitting at my work and I've been driving my cute b.f.'s truck.. No problem.. This week I decide that I should probably be proactive and look into getting it fixed.
I call up a guy that has done work on my car before. Changed my breaks, oil etc.. Now, this guy isin't some Joe-Blow that I don't know either. He's the brother from another mother of a very good friend of mine. He apparently doesn't have a car and suggests that (since I shouldn't be driving my car) that I come pick him up, and he'll just fix it at my work. GREAT, I can do that!
He tells me it shouldn't take more than 20 or so minutes and wthat it won't cost me more than $15.00 or $20.00..GREAT, this is a fucking deal!!
SO.... After a very long day at work yesterday I drive (in traffic @5pm) across town to pick him up. He tells me the total cost will be $80.00... "That's including the cost of the belt", He assures me.
I'm like......hmm... OK. This is a guy I want to give my money AND my business too.. I suppose if he wants to make $50.00 for doing this I shouldn't really mind paying him that. If this is the only thing I really have to do to get it fixed I will go ahead and pay it.
Well, OF COURSE! there is something else going on. He puts on the belt, it doesn't work, so now he wants me to have my car towed over to his shop so he can look at it further. He doesn't have a tow truck, but he can recommend another, "really good guy" to come and pick it up for me for right around $50.00.

The cincher is that he thinks I'm a fucking idiot. You see I'm not some dumb bitch that doesn't do her research. I called around BEFORE I even called him and found out the cost of this fucking belt and how much it would cost me *aprox* to get this problem fixed. (which, BTW is $32.99-$36.99, for the belt for us normal folk walking into Schucks requesting it)
I drive him BACK to the fucking shop, drop him off, he gives me the name of the guy and says he'll look for my car tomorrow..
Last night I couldn't sleep cause I keep mulling it over in my mind. I'm tossing and turning trying to figure out a way that I can diplomatically explain to this guy that I think he over charged me.
I get to work this morning and give him a call.... This is how the conversation went:
ME: Hey, Joe Blow. I've been thinking about this all night. You told me that you would only charge me $15.00 or $20.00 bucks to put that belt on. BTW, How much did you spend specifically on the belt? JOEBLOW: OH.. uhh.... $50.00...... You know it goes all the way around the engine... It keeps all that stuff running.... **** It's a fucking Serpintine belt, like I have no idea how a fucking engine works*****
ME: HUH. You sure did get ripped off. I called Schucks and they told me it only cost $32.99.
JOEBLOW: Well, you know some times I get deals .. Sometimes I don't...What do you want me to do?
ME: FUCK THIS

I guess what it is, is the whole principle of the thing. He tells me one thing and then once it all goes down, he shits all over me.. When I called him back AGAIN and told him AGAIN that I thought I was getting screwed.. he says to me that his shop (this is HIS business BTW) charges $50.00 for the belt.. And why am I bitching at him for charging $30.00 (labor)?? He's gotta make a buck some where...AND he took time out of HIS day to come and "do me a favor".. *** If it were legal to kill, he just made my ficking list****
I mean, I guess it meant nothing to him that I spent aprox..$20-$30.00 in gas to pick his sorry ass up (in fucking traffic).. He was a fucking DICK to me from the moment he found out that I was driving my B.F.'s truck..( I mean I know he harbors a secret desire to fuck me and by fixing my car he hopes someday I'll let him) AND I grossly over paid him to do a job that I could and should have just done my self.
(I don't like getting dirty)
NOt to mention the fact that I OFFERED to buy the fucking belt MYSELF and just pay him the labor..
But NO. He assured me it would be no trouble for him to get it.
(Which I must reitterate) he told me my would be $15-$20.00 dollars for labor + the cost of the belt.
Well.. Needless to say. I called back one of the shops I had spoken with earlier.. They immediatly came to tow my truck..(at no charge) and they will be fixing the problem.
At that point I decided I would go and cancle the check I gave him, but NOOOOOoo.. He had already cashed it! Big fucking surprize there, eh?
For someone with NO CAR he sure got him self to the bank in a big hurry..
Ah well.. It just goes to show..
Don't EVER do business with friends... Cause when it's good, it's good..But when it's bad, it's REALLLLL bad..

How did I ever get along?

I am a direct result of the Anchorage School District..
I blame them for my continual misspelling of the word "THEIR"... And also for any other misspellings that happen to be.

AS THE CHOWDER HEAD TURNS

CAMPING Day 3: Everyone wakes up to a bright sunny day. We are all properly hung over and ready for another day of fun and frivolity. No sign of CHOWDER HEAD yet....
Breakfast is cooked and the beer drinking comences. The keg was finished off the day before, so we must rely on what's left of the cheap canned beer and the other booze to keep our weekend buzz going...
CHOWDER HEAD stumbles out of bed eventually, nursing her sore lip and head with some coffee and Kaluah. (I would have added a little Brandy.....but that's just me.)
The day progresses and as night aproaches the kids head for thier tents.
CHOWDER HEAD seems to have recovered nicely and discovered a second wind. Tonight she is more determined than ever to see a little flesh. Over all this has been a disappointing weekend for her. So far she has only seen a few penis's and a flash or two from me.
Her eyes are starting to cross and she's out for blood. Thinking she might inspire, she rips her shirt off and does her streaking.
The next most fucked up person..(beyond CHOWDER HEAD) is FEMALE JIM's CUTE NEW B.F... He has never been camping with this crew, so little does he know what to expect. CHOWDER HEAD zones in on him and starts...
"F.JIM's C.N.B.F.! Get your clothes off! You have to run around the fire naked! DO IT!!"
Now, F.JIM's C.N.B.F. is FUCKED UP. He can barley evenspeak let alone stand up. But, CHOWDER HEAD shows no mercy. She can smell her victim and is going in for the kill.
She starts chanting, "C.N.B.F.! C.N.B.F.! C.N.B.F.!"
Well... He really has no choice now does he?
SISTA's B.F. has joined in on the chanting and I've gotten my camera out.
F.JIM's C.N.B.F. has taken the bait. He rips off his shirt and proceeds to run/stumble his way around the fire.
This gets everyone going, especially CHOWDER HEAD.
The next thing we know IPIE has taken off all his clothes and is streaking too.
Things are starting to get a little roudy at this point.
F.JIM's C.N.B.F.'s jaunt around thefire seems to have put him over the edge. He tries to stand up and falls on his face. ...........*** I really can't tell you how little T.V. is needed with this group.
F.JIM helps him to bed....He's totally fucked up! On the way there he yells out, "HEY! I'm with her!!!" **refering to F.JIM***
I can't resist harrassing a drunkard and follow them to thier tent. I over hear him lamenting to F.JIM..... (in slurred drunk speak)"OH my god! I'm So fricken waisted! I can never come back here. I made a total fool of my self"
All I can do is laugh and remind him to take a look at CHOWDER HEAD and her rambunctious behavior.
Needless to say...I get back to the fire and CHOWDER HEAD has new recruits..Every girl left standing has removed thier tops and is running around the fire.
I didn't stand a chance.

The Adventures of CHOWDER HEAD

My life is never boring. This weekend was perfect! Not only for our yearly Memorial camp out, but for CHOWDER HEAD antics.
Night 1: Everyone gets settled in. Set up camp. Start drinking. This was a relatively uneventful night. We are still waiting on key people to show up. I go to bed early. FEMALE JIM got there late, so she'll have to fill in any missing details.
Night 2: CHOWDER HEAD gets off to an early start drinking beer. IPIE is keeping up with her pretty well until she switches to good ol' faithful rum and diet. Leg wrestling has ensued and she's beaten about 6 people. (this would pump anyone up, right?) Then of course, clothes start flying. A few runs around the fire with her top off is enough to get her to start harassing anyone with in her one-good-eyes pathway.
No luck on the coercion, (to her drunken dismay) but the night is still very young. Before long she's sitting next to me saying over and over AND over again how she, "hash named her babiezz after me, an' she would haf a kid at home in a secun." This is all interspersed with "SOGS! are you listening? I said, I juss love you" and stuff like, "SOGS! TAKE YOUR GODDAMN SHIRT OFF!", "RUN AROUND THE FIRE!"
Of course, I'm not near drunk enough to be doing any such thing. I nod my head politely, mumble something and slither off toward the other side of the fire. IPIE has proceeded to keep up with CHOWDERHEAD and by this point they are both pretty stinkin sauced.
Disaster is lurking right at the bottom of that bottle.....
CHOWDERHEAD finally decides its time to call it quits, but figures she should make one last ditcheffort to run around the fire with out any of her clothes on(except panties) ....
She SORTA makes it... Well, she actually throws her clothes down and does a half cart wheel/fall on your face/crash over a couple folding chairs/almost kick someone in the face-while-your-goin-down move.
I just happen to be walking back from relieving myself in the woods, and catch it all.
Let me tell you.
THAT MADE MY WEEKEND.
IPIE helps her up, and gets her clothes back on. I'm waiting for the inevitable, "WHAT HAPPEN???" to come flying out, but she's SO wasted the only thing she can say is, "SOGS!, I think bit my lip! Am I bleeding?, Yup. Yup. I'm bleedin." "
Now you'd think she'd be ready to go down. NOPE. She plants herself on IPIE's arm and proceeds to stumble around til he gets tired of it and tries to get her to go to bed. This is no simple task for IPIE. (He's almost as wasted as she is) After numerous failed attempts, he gives up and lets go....
Next thing we know, CHOWDERHEAD is now lying somewhat in the fire. There is a mad scramble to get her up and out of danger.
An unsuspecting friend runs to the rescue, only to be fallen directly on top of. (Luckily she learns lessons quickly.)
IPIE is determined he's gonna put her down. He manages to drag/pull her out of the ring of fire where she promptly falls down flat on her face.
Needless to say, I had one of the best laughs of my life until IPIE yells @me, "GODDAMN IT SOGS! GET OFF YOUR ASS & QUIT YOUR FUCKING LAUGHING, COME HELP ME!!"which of course makes me laugh harder..

***I am well versed in staying the hell away from CHOWDER HEAD when she is so drunk***

CHOWDER HEAD is finally yo-yo'd to bed, and after ducking from IPIE's grasp only 1 time, to yell unintelligible profanity at those of us still rolling around in convulsions from her behavior.

Gotta love camping..

.............more to come in the next installment of: AS THE CHOWDER HEAD TURNS

AM I THE ONLY ONE?

Why the FUCK is everybody getting married? What about good ol' living in sin??? Common folks!

BUSH WAXED

Apparently CHOWDER HEAD doesn't remember commiting herself to finishing off the job that my C.B.F. started. I guess I should have taken her slurred, "yesh" as a clue.. Damn it! I'll be waxing @ her house tonight, if your interested in stopping off.. (I'm thinking it's about time she started her sponsorship again) We can discuss camping while I'm ripping unwanted hair from your face!

BAR BRAWL...........

Why do people decide to get belligerent at bars after consuming mass amounts of alcohol??
CUTE BOYFRIEND, SOGS, COOL NEW FRIEND, and I decide to head over to the local bar across the street from my house. Of course, we make the decision to only have one pitcher of beer. As we exit the vehicle and start to enter the bar C.N.F. immediately starts talking to some guy. He proceeds to follow us in and takes a seat next to us at the bar. We decide that we are a bit cramped in the corner at the bar and decide to move to a table.
We sit down with our pitcher of beer. C.B.F. finds somebody to play pool with. SOGS and I decide to play a game of shuffle board. All seems well until C.N.F. somehow invites a LATINO from East L.A. and a REDNECK to sit next to her. SOGS and I are deep into our Shuffle board game. It’s neck to neck when all of a sudden……SQUAWK….SQUAWK….SQUAWK..

C.N.F.: “Well I can tell a bull shitter when I see a bull shitter.”
REDNECK: “You don’t know what you are talking about woman.”
C.N.F.: “Well you lied to me and I caught you in your lie. So, what is it? Have you known this guy (LATINO) for 10 years or did you just meet him like you said? And you LATINO, are you really married or what? You guys are just liars and bull shitters.”

As the conversation moves forward the decibels of the voice pitches keep getting louder and louder. The squawking is becoming almost deafening. This goes on for about 30 minutes before SOGS and I can’t take it anymore because it’s messing up our game. We finally put what we think is an end to the event. However C.N.F. isn’t about to let it drop.

After our 2nd pitcher of beer, SOGS and I settle back into our game of shuffle board since everything is starting to flow normally again. CUTE BOYFRIEND plays another game of pool with the REDNECK. The pool table is real close to where COOL NEW FREIND is sitting. So she starts egging on the REDNECK. By this time the LATINO has wised up and is staying away from C.N.F. I pop in just in time to hear:

REDNECK: “Women are supposed to serve men.”
SOGS, C.N.F., and my head all spun around and our eyes turned fiery red. That boy didn’t have a chance. I can’t remember what any of us girls said but I do remember REDNECK trying to quote the bible while holding a beer in his hand. At one point he did say something derogatory to us and my CUTE BOYFRIEND stepped in and told him that I was his woman and he can’t talk to me like that. Ahhh….My night and shinning armor. (Although, I totally could have taken this REDNECK on my own. After all, I think he was only 5 feet tall, and this is after we have started on our 3rd pitcher of beer.)

Well the night is winding down and we are walking out of the bar. COOL NEW FRIEND gets stopped at the bar. REDNECK is apologizing for calling her a fat bitch. C.N.F. is squawking away. Then REDNECK says, “I can only apologize for myself. I can’t apologize for the LATINO.” C.N.F. ends the evening by saying, “Well that’s because you don’t want to get your throat slit (by LATINO).” Nothing but boo’s at the bar after that comment.

Hmmmm. CUTE BOYFRIEND and I are regulars at this bar. I’m not sure how this is going to reflect on our standings. I mean after all its taken years to work up to getting a strong drink in that place. I don’t want to have to start over again now.

oH YEAH....

You missed out on a good party.. Everyone got drunk and left early. My house was actually still clean! Now THAT has never happened before. I decided that I needed to go to bed, but not before drunk dialing some people.. I called CHOWDER HEAD, and talked to IPIE.. I apparently made a play date for tennis, then called my C.B.F. about 5 times and talked like a robot on his v.m... How very mature and drunkenly of me..
I know, I'm SO very proud of my self..
I love getting waisted and hearing all about it the next day! What fun!

I NEED A DRINK

Why is it that I'm a complete glutton? I want a drink right now. I also wouldn't mind getting a little shitty tonight.. Is this some kind of subconscious thing that happens when I don't have to work the next day? (even though the week has barely began?) Does this make me a raving alcoholic, or what? It's not like I don't have to get up and get MINI ME to school tomorrow.. I do have things that would fill my day.. Maybe it's the simple fact that I can go straight home and go back to bed. OOoooOOoo.. to live in the lap of luxury for a day.. Maybe I'll make tomorrow a DAY OF BEAUTY.. I'll invite CHOWDER HEAD over and we can mask, wax our bushes, and paint our toe nails.....

THE BEER BELLY

I have long tried to loose weight and try not to have my excess drinking show. But now I aspired to have a BEER BELLY.
I would like to have a BEER BELLY where ever I go.

www.thebeerbelly.com

Damn it!

I am SO glad that I only have half days on Friday.. I can hardly sit still long enough for the 3 hours I have to be here as it is. I heard it is supposed to be over 60 degrees this weekend! Whoo HOo! I hope it keeps up for Memorial Camp-out weekend..Chowder head wants to go play some tennis this afternoon.. It's a toss up.. Play tennis...Ride my bike....Run on the treadmill...Go nap. hmmmm... Maybe, I'll do all the above. I have no Mini Me tonight so I really don't know what to do with myself. Got any suggestions?

ANOTHER DEBAUCHERY II

THE LADY RIDING HER YELLOW CANARY has come out of her shell. She is separated from JACKASS and the sun is starting to shine again. Since then she has been having nonchalant gatherings at her house. These of course involve alcohol. After the alcohol is flowing the stimulating conversation starts.
We have an array of quests at THE LADY RIDING HER YELLOW CANARY’S house. THE MEXICAN, BRUCE (THE MEXICAN’S husband) TATTERS and her man, CHOWDER HEAD and husband, SOGS, Me (FEMALE JIM) and CUTE NEW BOYFRIEND.
Everyone is gathered in the kitchen. This could be because this is where the food is. Or maybe it’s easy access to the wine and beer. It’s funny how when the women start talking that the men disappear. Perhaps we run them off with our loud chatter and even louder cackling. Men don’t seem to think that women are competitive, but I beg to differ. Because we are competitive the chatter and cackling gets louder and louder as the evening progresses. Why do you think woman have their menstrual cycles at the same time. This is to compete with other woman. You don’t want some other woman having sex nor picking up on men when you are cycling and not feeling your best, do you. (Actually, CUTE NEW BOYFRIEND told me that line last night. Interesting theory though.)
Anyway, the conversation quickly turns to sex and religion. Not sure why that is. But I’m certain that I made complete and total sense considering by this time I was on my second bottle of wine. I arrived late to the gathering. So, I had to make up by slamming my wine. You know…because I am competitive and all. CHOWDER HEAD was on decent behavior. She only flashed her tits once and that was actually aimed towards her husband. I think she may have even stayed some what sober. Amazing.
However, CHOWDER HEAD is sponsoring my C.N.B.F. and myself this evening. I’m certain this will consist of a gallon of rum. So, if I remember the events of tonight’s evening you will hear from me tomorrow.

Anothe night of Debauchery

CHOWDER HEAD came into work today totally hung over.. She told me she is paying for being drunk 4 nights in a row.. I've noticed the last few times she's been shit faced, instead of her lazy eye becoming the predominant feature, her eyes have just started to cross... She gets this faded look, her eyes cross, and her voice raises about 8,000 decibels....
I love the fact that when all us "unmotivated fat bitches" get together its like a fricken loud mouth circus.. Everyone is trying to make a point, and no one can hear a damn word anyone is saying, cause every one is trying to out/over talk the other ones.....

I DO....I mean, I DON'T!!!!

So, last night AUNTIE, SISTER & I all go over to the LOCAL BEER BAR. SISTER's B.F. told her he is shopping for rings.... That would explain the email I recieved yesterday from Tiffany's saying, "this is the one!!"
AUNTIE & I proceed to try and dissuade (sp?) SISTER.
To no avail. She has it all planned out.. AND, to make it all worse she's thought it all through.. DAMN IT!
Why doesn't she just put herself in the coffin and nail the lid shut???? I do like her B.F. and all, but I have a hard time trying to picture SISTER married..
Plus, I've always held out hope for FABIO..
And let me tell ya, he AIN'T no FAbio....
She assured me that she had set some stipulations..
1 year minimum engagement..
If she does decide to break it off, she keeps the ring.
He buys a house.
I can't really remember the rest, cause by this point we had moved to the LOCAL COCKTAIL BAR, and I was getting shitty....
I end up going home, crying to my CUTE B.F.about how everything is changing and SISTER is getting married blah, blah, blah........, then proceed to try and tell him all about his short comings, THEN proceed to pass out and snore REALLY loudly so he sleeps on the couch...
What's really great about it all is that today is his B DAY..
HAPPY B-DAY, CUTE B.F! You have a drunkart AND a jackass for a girlfriend! YAY!

meeting the parents

So.. How'd it go?
I got drunk again last night.. UGGGhhhh....I need to go home and nap!

Last Night

Sorry I didn't make it last night. CHOWDER HEAD came in and said she didn't get drunk until she got home.. Somehow I have a hard time believing that. She's running around saying, "I think I might be still drunk" hmmm... Why am I not surprised? Were gonna be having a party in the Valley this weekend for my C.B.F.'s Bday.. I'm sure your going to be working, so I thought I'd invite your CUTE B.F. and see if you wanted to come out after. There will be a place to crash and a fire. I mean, that's incentive enough for me to go. Thought I'd pass along the invite.

CLOWNS...............

THE LADY RIDING HER YELLOW CANARY threw a great party on Saturday night. I had to work that evening. So, I didn’t get there until everybody was already liquored up. CHOWDER HEAD was inebriated when I came in the house. Stumbling and slurring her words. THE MEXICAN was boisterous. As she usually is after a few drinks. TATTERS, SOGS, AUNTIE, and a few other people were attending.
THE LADY RIDING HER YELLOW CANARY immediately made me a margarita. Yeah for Margaritas!!! Then I settled in for drinking and conversation. I had brought a new friend of mine to the party and she fit right in. Not minding the drunken idiots and the drunkeneze talk.

The whole point of the evening was that it was supposed to be a “Girls night.” You know we get drunk and talk about sex or periods or something like that. Soon after I arrive a man shows up. It’s DUSTER. Now this means the evening has opened up to inviting more men because one man could never make it alive in a house full of women by himself. I think we all got on the phone and called our significant others and demanded they race right over. Now that it’s a Co-Ed party and CUTE BOYFRIEND has showed up things are going pretty well.

I knew CHOWDER HEAD wasn’t going to last long when I got to the party. Her lazy eye was starting to come out and she accosting DUSTER. She soon passes out on the couch. After stepping back in the house after having a cigarette I see that CHOWDER HEAD has something on her face. With a closer look I discover that it’s makeup. A Big A drawn with lipstick on her forehead, a penis on her chin and a mustache both drawn with eyeliner, a clown nose and whiskers to finish it off. I love CHOWDER HEAD but this is funny and well deserved.

The night starts to whine down and everybody starts to head out. A few of us are smoking cigs outside before we depart when all of a sudden CHOWDER HEAD emerges from the house. “What the fuck are you bastards doing? Come in and have another drink with me.” The three of us stand there speechless for about a minute and then we burst into laughter. She is unsuspecting that her face has been decorated like a clown. DUSTER is standing behind her shaking his head “no” so that we don’t give up the dirt. At this point we decide it’s time to make a break for it before she sucks us back into the house for more drinks. However, we can’t stop laughing even as we enter our vehicles and wave bye to CHOWDER HEAD AND DUSTER.

WHICH WAY DID HE GO GEORGE.........

So, I get a call from THE MEXICAN asking if I want to grab a beer. Her husband has just got back from working a 2 week stint and TATTERS is going as well. How can I say no…..
I meet them at one of the local bars in town. CUTE BOYFRIEND shows up and plays pool with THE MEXICANS HUSBAND. All is well and everyone is drinking and being merry. Well so we think……After a few (okay a little more than a few) pitchers of beer THE MEXICAN looks over at her husband and sees that he is pissed and in some guys face. She turns to TATTER and me and says, “My husband just called that guy a mother fucker we need to get him out of here.” THE MEXICAN and TATTERS handle the situation and they exit the bar.
(I later find out that the guy THE MEXICANS HUSBAND was arguing with had just swindled $20 from him.)

Not even 10 minutes later I get a call from THE MEXICAN, “FEMALE JIM, are you still at the local bar?”
FEMALE JIM, “Yes we are about to leave.”
THE MEXICAN, “Well my husband is walking between TATTERS house and yours.”
FEMALE JIM, “What….”
THE MEXICAN, “MY HUSBAND is walking between TATTERS house and your. I need you to pick him up.”
FEMALE JIM, “Uhhh okay. We will leave right now. Why is he walking?”
THE MEXICAN, “I told him to get out of the car because he called me a FUCKING BLEEP.”
FEMALE JIM, “I see..We’ll take care of him.”

Needless to say THE MEXICANS HUSBAND ends up at the other local bar across the street from my house. He is sitting at the bar and on the phone with his wife when we stumble in. He is pissed off and is insisting on walking home. I some how convince him to have another beer while I am listening to him rant about THE MEXICAN. Finally after one more beer I safely put him in a cab and send him home.

I have feeling that THE MEXICANS HUSBAND isn’t breathing anymore. Heres to good times with good friends who get wasted and make fools of themselves.

ARNIE & the bus

So, the girl is almost 15 years old and she doesn't want to learn how to ride the city bus.. Even though I have been bringing her to school and either me or CHOWDER HEAD have picked her up for the last 6 years!!! Do you know how much frickin gas I could have saved in that time? It's not like I'm going to stop dropping her off...She'll just have to get home via the bus. How hard can it be?

Where have all the drunks gone?

It's like no one wants to get drunk anymore. What the fuck is wrong with this picture? I go home.... I get drunk... I drunk dial..No one answers, no one calls me back.. No one even blogs anymore... Shit, even CHOWDER HEAD is being responsible these days.. FEMALE JIM has a new sponsor..
Maybe the party, THE LADY RIDING HER YELLOW CANARY is throwing will get everyone revved up.....

I certainly hope this doesn't last.. I don't want to go camping with a bunch of sober people this summer..

DUCT TAPE MOMENTS.........

Why is it that some of our friends just can’t keep their mouths shut…………….

I go out to a local bar last night with some friends to celebrate SOG’s birthday. However SOG had other plans and he left early. Good choice BTW. So, the rest of us gluttons proceed to drink and socialize. My CUTE NEW BOYFRIEND is hanging out and going through the gauntlet with my friends. First SOGS asks me, “Well when you get married are you going to have one more kid.”

First off, I’m not going to divulge my inner secrets with THOSE PEOPLE. And frankly they should know that and they shouldn’t ask.

Going further in the evening, CHOWDER HEAD becomes lubricated and lets her guard down. Then she proceeds to blab about an incident where her and her husband well did SOUTHERN BELL. After she has admitted to this event she proceeds to look at me and say, “Well Jim, At least I only tell my own secrets and I don’t divulge my FRIEND’S secrets.”

Although CUTE NEW BOYFRIEND didn’t run away screaming at the moment. I am sure he is wondering what skeletons I have in my closet or under my bed.

ALL HAIL FEMALE JIM!

I think this whole being in love and having a C.N.B. is going to your head.

HAPPY B_DAY SOG!

Are you ready to take on the responsibility of your very own baby goat?

CHEAP WHORES AND CIGARETTES

Which cost more?...................................................... And which is safer to suck on??

Just some food for thought.

WTF?

I want a drink!

EASTER BEER HUNT A MUST.........

I’ve so decided that we should have an adult Easter hunt each year. Yah I know this is a day to rejoice in the rising of Christ. So, what better way to do that than to have an EASTER BEER HUNT, get sloppy drunk, and pass out. This would be great at all family Easter dinners. The night before Easter everyone should gather around to decorate their favorite beer can. Then stuff them in the basket or 12 pack holders. While you are sleeping the Easter Bunny will come in and hide all of your Beer around the house and outside. If you are lucky there was an extra bonus put in your beer. Like cigarette butts.


Just Imagine Easter Morning………………..
You rise out of bed slightly hung over from the night before, but confident that you didn’t make an ass out of yourself.
You go straight to the fridge to look for a beer. To your dismay they are gone.
Perplexed by this discovery you reach for the coffee instead.
Low and Behold there is a beer behind the Coffee maker.
You put the coffee back. Open the beer and slam it. Wow that was refreshing.
As you walk towards the back door to smoke a cigarette you discover a shinning object behind the plant.
It’s a beer. You open it and slam it.
Now feeling slightly buzzed and brimming with joy and happiness with your finds you step outside for a cigarette.
As you light up you notice the dog kicking a shiny object in the yard.
You walk further to investigate. It’s a beer. You open it, give the dog a drink, and then slam it.
At this time you decide you better return the Easter Festivities before the others discover that you are missing.
You reach for the remote controller to turn the boob tube on and discover another beer hidden by the TV.
You get up, grab the beer, and slam it.
At this point, you are starting become very intoxicated. You stumble over to your spouse who is talking to her/his parents. You start to get frisky with the spouse.
The parents become outraged and immediately leave.
As you shut the door behind them you find another beer. You open it and slam it.
After passing out on the couch you wake up to discover that your spouse and kids have gone off to Easter Dinner and Church without you.
You get up to use the urinal and you discover a beer behind the toilet. You open it and slam it.
EASTER RULES!!! J

I"M HUNG OVER

I decided that I needed to drink the good portion of a bottle of vodka last night. I can't decide whether I'm still drunk or not. I did however, wake up with nicely shaved legs.... hmmm.. I don't remember taking a shower...??

DAMN TAXES

CHOWDER HEAD just came up to the front and was bitching about her amnded W-2 that THE OTHER SHITTY OFFICE just sent to her. She has already done her taxes and if she wants to be refunded the extra she paid she'll have to amend them. I suggested that she call them and have them pay for it. But, NO!! CHOWDER HEAD just wants to bitch about it. I then suggested that she at least call them and let them know what fuck ups they are. NO again. All she is gonna do is BITCH.

CHOWDER HEAD WANTS ME TO SPEND THE NIGHT

CHOWDER HEAD wants me to spend the night at her house on Saturday, get up early and cook food for Easter. I don't mind the cooking part, it's just that she has no good place to sleep. Also, knowing her she'll get totally waisted that night and I'll be obliged to join her in the frivolity. I told her today that I didn't want to do it and she suggested I sleep at SOUTHERN BELLS house.

CHOWDER HEAD MAKES A GREAT IMPRESSION

It was SOGS birthday on Sunday. We all gathered at her house to celebrate and watch some clips from her trip Belize. Actually the slide show was great. Nothing but pictures of them drinking beer and unsuspecting tourist holding cans of SPAM. We should rally to have SOG post some pictures from her trip.

Anyway, the party was pretty mellow and everyone was heading out early because SOGS had traveled all day. DANCING QUEEN invites me to her house. CHOWDER HEAD, her husband, and chitlins all followed. While I am there I invite UNSUSPECTING MALE PROSPECT over to visit. Why not, we are drinking and I might as well see how thick his skin is. I mean if he can’t survive a night with CHOWDER HEAD and DANCING QUEEN then he is doomed. As UNSUSPECTING MALE PROSPECT walks up to the door CHOWDER HEAD yells, “FEMALE JIM’S boyfriend is here.” I am surprised the poor guy didn’t do a Speedy Gonzalez and run for the hills.

Soon after UNSUSPECTING MALE PROSPECT has joined the crowd CHOWDER HEAD’s apparently got wasted because her true colors started emerging. She immediately starts in with the manly burps. You know the kind that the alphabet is said in the process of the burp. BTW, I don’t think this is great for impressing UNSUSPECTING MALE PROSPECT. I guess I am just grateful that it wasn’t coming out of the other end. UNSUSPECTING MALE PROSPECT also got to hear CHOWDER HEAD repeat numerous stories over and over.

In the end, UNSUSPECTING MALE PROSPECT survived and actually called me the following day. So, he may be a keeper.

I’ve been requested to change the blog name to “CHOWDER HEAD IS DRUNK AGAIN”. Hence the new heading.

I went and visited with CHOWDER HEAD last night. I don’t think I had wrote about this before, but CHOWDER HEAD has a lazy eye. Medically known as Amblyopia.

However it’s only noticeable when she looks at things close up or she crosses her eyes. I’ve known CHOWDER HEAD for 6 years now and I only noticed this about a month ago. Now that I know about this slight flaw I can’t help but stare at CHOWDER HEAD from time to time to see I can see her Lazy Eye. This is really great entertainment when you have been drinking. Because with each drink she takes the worse her vision becomes.

Well apparently there is a get together at SOGS on Sunday since she is returning from Belize. I’m sure I’ll have some drunken stories to tell on Monday.

HORMONES.............

Well I don’t have anything new to blog. I couldn’t drag CHOWDER HEAD out last night. She apparently took an overdose of hormones and is very bitchy. And to top it off she decided to quit smoking. Needless to say I won’t have much to blog for about a month. I have vowed CHOWDER HEAD off until the hormones are out of her system. Poor CHOWDER HEAD’s husband……hopefully one of his friends rescues him this weekend. I think I will check on him next week just to make sure he is still alive.

However, without the help of CHOWDER HEAD I managed to stay up until 4am last night. I keep forgetting that I’m not in my twenties anymore and that sleep is a requirement now. I blame this recluse behavior on having to work for a living. Having 3 jobs is killing me slowly. So, I stay up and engage in lude acts in order to keep from going insane. I need to do an Anna Nichole Smith and find a rich old man who is on the brink of death.

On the plus side SOGS is coming back from Belize soon. So, we will have pics to blog and I’m certain there will be some drunken stories as well.

ITALIAN SAUSAGE...........

Somebody in the office just said, “Yes I would like to order a 12 Inch Italian Sausage, hold the Mayo.”
It took all my might not to say something inappropriate.

Well I haven’t blogged in a while because CHOWDER HEAD has been on good behavior. I think she broke up with Ron Rico. Or it could be that I have been working at LA DUNGEUN to much. This is a different restaurant from THE BRIG. I don’t have to do dishes at this restaurant, but I do have to put up with a crazy Italian. Last Friday he cussed me out and called me a f**king liar. I think he is Bi-Polar. I am going to buy Prozac on the black market and slip it into his wine before we start dinner service.

I have plans to get CHOWDER HEAD drunk tonight. That way I have something fun to blog tomorrow.

MEN.............

So, what does it mean when you sleep with a guy and he becomes a religious zealot afterwards??? And please tell me I am not the only female this has happened to because is not doing well for my ego.

I am so going out tonight for St. Patty’s day. I am hoping to have a little luck of the Irish with me. This truly means I hope that I find unsuspecting men to buy me drinks all night long. I am however hoping that my beer goggles are not too thick tonight and I can weed out the ugly obnoxious men.

TO PIK OR NOT TO PIK...........

SOG and I went out and had a couple drinks at a local bar across the street from my house called GEORGE’S.
After SOG settles into her bar seat she proceeds to tell me about a run in with a black male she had on the way to the bar. He had asked for money from SOG. She describes him as dressed nicely, white tennis shoes and a jogging suit. However he had a pik sticking out of his hair.
We proceeded to have a debate as to why black men wear pics in their hair. Neither of us could come to a sensible conclusion. Finally, we were interrupted by two black men that had been sitting at the bar. They had over heard our conversation. They tried to convince us that black men wear piks in their hair so they can stand out and be noticed. We just still couldn’t get this. SOG and I made the argument that if we strolled around town with a brush stuck in our hair we would look like idiots.

What’s your opinion….To pik or Not to Pik??

A WORD FROM ALETA......

As the chowder of your CHOWDERHEAD stories I feel that my voice should be heard as well. Yes you are my fucking nanny. I personally am beginning to long for fencing to end. Because of my desperate situation in needing child care for weekday events I have had to consume so much liquor in order to pay my faithful sitter. I am the one trying to keep up with FEMALE JIM, drink after drink, I am forced to consume. Until finally I feel that the sitter has been sufficiently paid, and I am finally free to take my sweet LITTLE CHOWDERHEADS home. I crawl home and slink way into bed grateful to have had a sitter. However sad that I will feel so poor in the morning. All so that my friend FEMALEJIM can get wasted and blame me for her sad state the next day at work. My question for my friends, If you have so much time to write a whole blog about me then when the fuck do you have time to get your fucking work done? None of my many jobs allow me much time to sit at the computer and type up elaborated and sometimes false stories about anyone that I know.

As for the night and times that we spent with the neighbor if it had been for your friend CHOWDERHEAD you would not have had the wonderful experience of giving the neighbor his very own Jim bag.

BEER GOGGLES..........

First off, I didn’t get called in to THE BRIG over the weekend. I wonder if they fired me without letting me know. I have to figure out how to call them to get my paycheck without them wanting me to work there again.
Over all I had a really good weekend. I went to the movies with THE BEANER on Friday evening. Then we went out for a few drinks and eventually met up with SOGS and BLONDIE. All was a good time until the alcohol kicked in and every man in the bar looked like Brad Pitt. Apparently, I have a thing for picking up on ugly obnoxious men when I am drunk.
So, I go to up to the bar to buy myself a drink. There is this guy standing there. He starts talking to me and he has this heavy Australian accent. He says that he is a Rugby player who is visiting the states from New Zealand. Hmmm. This could be good conversation. I’ve always wanted to visit New Zealand, but haven’t found the time or the money. So, I invite him to our table. All is good conversation at first. Then I start to notice that he is grinding his teeth. (Kind of like a Gorilla or Monkey would do when they show their teeth at the zoo) Okay strange, but I’m not one to judge. He eventually asks me to dance. While I am dancing with MR. RUGBY his head keeps bobbing down towards my boobs. My first reaction is to deck the guy, but considering he is a Rugby player I opt not to go for that action. During conversation with MR. RUGBY I find out he isn’t all there. He is definitely missing a few marbles besides the fact that he is eyeing every girl that walks by. I later found out that the Rugby players in New Zealand don’t wear helmets or cups. So, this would explain a lot.
Eventually my friends convince me to leave with them while he is the bathroom. Apparently they thought he was strange and ugly, but for some reason they couldn’t find the time to tell me this before hand. I must purchase new Beer Goggles before my next outing that involves drinking. Otherwise who knows who I will end up with.

BACK TO THURSDAYS..........

THE BRIG hasn’t called me back to work. Not that I am disappointed. I personally hated being handcuffed to the dishwasher. Hats off to anyone that can take that abuse for more than a week.
Anyway, CHOWDER HEAD has decided to take advantage of my situation. Not only did she drop off her CHITLINS on Tuesday, but she also dropped off her CHITLINS last night as well. Do I look like some sort of Nanny?? The only reason I let her get away with that kind of behavior is because it gives me a reason to drink during the week.
Well, I thought I would be cleaver and not get drunk last night. I decided to drink wine instead of letting CHOWDER HEAD force the usual bottle of rum down my throat. However, I have been dieting by not eating dinner. This didn’t work out for me too well after I consumed bottle of wine by myself. Needless to say I ended up getting drunk by my own account. Not sure how that happened, but I actually can’t blame my hangover on CHOWDER HEAD this morning.
Can anyone tell me how to stop the banging in my head?? I think there are little men chipping at my brain. Thank god it’s Friday and I don’t have drink tonight. I must fall asleep on the couch tonight while watching a movie.

I WOULD NEVER DO THAT.....

A friend of mine sent this email to me today. On the Subject line it stated, "When I saw this, LOL, I thought of you." Apparently I am well respected amongst my friends.

I think we all know the men out there that would do something like this to a poor defenseless passed out female. I can even think of a few females that would do this to a poor defenseless passed out male. (I won't mention any names, SOGS.)

ALETA IS DRUNK AGAIN

Now Tuesdays too?
I swear, you should try saying NO at least 1 time in a week. Why do you think I stay away from your side of town during the week? I'd be crawling in like CHOWDER HEAD, totally hung over bitching about how FEMALE JIM is KILLING me.. But alas, I have no hang over today.. Too bad for the rest of you gluttons!

WHAT NOT TO SAY IN PUBLIC.......

I hooked up with my NEIGHBOR after I left THE BRIG on Friday evening. We found out that CHOWDER HEAD, SOME OFFICE GUY’S SIDEKICK, and SOME OFFICE GUY were out and about. We ended up meeting with CHOWDER HEAD and SOGS at a bar across the street from my house. CHOWDER HEAD was in rare form and it was apparent that both CHOWDER HEAD and SOGS were inebriated. SOG didn’t come out because CHOWDER HEAD was verbally abusing SOG by calling him a “stupid jew.” Life is good when you have good friends around to boost your ego.

Needless to say the evening was quit comical. I learned a couple things about CHOWDER HEAD this night. Well some things that I could have done without knowing. “I’ve never met a dick that I couldn’t find the shaft of.” Or “I have three pee holes.” I did learn that these things should not be said loudly in a bar full of men. In between CHOWDER HEAD flashing my NEIGHBOR (no wonder he likes hanging out with me) there was some controversy. CHOWDER HEAD swears, “All dicks are limp in the shower.” However my NEIGHBOR felt strongly that wasn’t true. I may have to spy on the NEIGHBOR and catch of glimpse of him showering now. How much time do you get for being a peeping tom??

MAFIA FAMILIA ???

I made it into THE BRIG last night. I wasn’t very happy with how things were going and I was still very bitter from Tuesday’s events. So, mid-way through the evening I confronted the MAMA GREEK. I told her that I didn’t think it was going to work out because I felt uncomfortable there. She immediately jumped up and with her Greek accent said, “Why is somebody bothering you?”
She made it impossible to quit. She told me a story about when she was 35 years old and she moved from Greece to America and PAPA GREEK (her husband) decided to buy a restaurant. She had no clue how they would mange considering they didn’t know the English Language. To this day she can only read and write the alphabet, numbers, and the menu. However she managed by teaching herself the English language and with this their business became successful. She also stated that she isn’t there to be my boss. She is there to be my mama. I have no idea what to think about this, but I am getting the feeling it’s like the Mafia. Every time you think you are out they pull you back in. So, I am going to give it a couple more days and then I am going to have to make up a really good lie to get out of this Familia. Does anybody have a suggestion?
I got home last night and called CHOWDER HEAD to vent. It was about 11:30pm. She invited me over for a cocktail, but I decline. She was slurring her words the entire conversation. I still love it when she does that. CHOWDER HEAD suggested I run like hell to get away from THE BRIG.

THE BRIG..............

Well thank goodness CHOWDER HEAD always has an endless supply of rum at her house. I popped over last night for a drinking intervention and a venting session regarding THE BRIG. I actually made it home at a decent hour. Although when I left CHOWDER HEAD was biting at the stubs of her nails. This is always a sure sign that she is drunk.
So, I would love an opinion on THE BRIG. Valentine’s Day was my first night to work at THE BRIG. I was hired as a server to wait on tables. THE BRIG got so busy that they couldn’t train me on anything. At one point I jumped in to clear, fill water glasses, and try to run food. Shortly after that the Greek Mama who is the head of the family pulls me in the back to wash dishes. All the dishwashers were out doing deliveries. I washed freaking dishes for 2 hours in my $40 tuxedo shirt. It took all my strength not to walk out. The whole time I was thinking I am making minimum wage while I wash dishes. I can’t make any tips doing dishes. By the end of the night I got a whole 2 tables. I have contemplated not returning. However, one of the servers told me that when it’s a normal night it’s not like that and that I could make “Really Good Money” working there. So, naturally I am curious to what “Really Good Money” consists of. The most tips I have made in one night is $120. I am assuming “Really Good Money” is more than that.

What would you do……Would you return, and try to make it work to find out what “Really Good Money” is?? Or would you just not show up again??

THURSDAYS MOVING TO WEDNESDAYS......

I just started a new evening job. The owners of the restaurant I am working at are absolutely insane. They are full Greek and it is a family run restaurant. We have all seen, “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”, need I say more…. So, we are going to call this job, “The Brig”. I may only be there long enough to make a couple extra bucks, because my Irish heritage is definitely conflicting with the Greek Heritage.
Unfortunately, I must go back to THE BRIG on Thursday evening. On the plus side I do not have to go in tonight to work. My evening last night at THE BRIG was disturbing, and I couldn’t have a drink after my shift. So, I will definitely need to drink tonight. However I must make sure I don’t get too drunk. I will have to work a 14 hour day on Thursday and I will need all my strength so I don’t kill anyone.
To make a long story short, I must call CHOWDER HEAD and SOME OFFICE GUYS SIDEKICK for a quick drinking intervention this evening. Also, since I won’t have my usual Thursday evening cocktail this will keep my alcohol levels flowing normal.

VALENTINE'S DAY........PUKE

Here is to those couples whose hearts beat as one….
They all give each other names like hun…
For when I see their lips touch…
It makes me want to loose my lunch…
If it was legal to them I would take a tazor…
And I’d slit my wrists if I had a razor…

Can you tell that Valentine’s Day is my least favorite holiday?? This doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that I don’t have a Valentine at the moment. I really am very well adjusted into my single life regardless of what anyone tells you.
That’s why when CHOWDER HEAD decided to have a Valentine’s Day party I thought I was going to puke. And of course this was a couple only party. Urrrghh. I haven’t accepted being single yet. I haven’t even been on a date. Nor would I feel comfortable going on a date.
However, I was being harassed by CHOWDER HEAD to come up with a date. If I had the money I would have just hired a lesbian escort, but as it goes I am not only single but very broke as well. So, I decided to invite the neighbor to be my lesbian escort. He subtly rejected my offer. That may have something to do with another friend of mine trying to accost him at the last party.
Considering that I didn’t have a date, I figured I would not show for the party. I was settling in for the night to watch a movie when my phone started ringing. It was CHOWDER HEAD. “Get your Ass over here. You can be my SCHIZOPHRNIC COUSIN’S date.” I can’t tell you the joy that I felt at that moment. The entire weekend was great for my self-esteem.
Needless to say, I did get my Ass over there a little later in the evening. As I walk in there are flower pedals on the ascending stairs. As I reached the top of the stairs I soon found out I was in Valentine’s Day hell. Hearts, hearts, hearts and more hearts. Everywhere. In order to cope I quickly find a drink. Apparently I arrived in time for the evening’s main event of ‘Pin the boobs on the babe’. Lucky me….
There was even a naughty gift exchange which I didn’t participate in. As the evening progressed we found CHOWDER HEAD passed out in her bed. We took advantage of the naughty gift exchange and used the black ties to tie her to the bed. We took pictures which will be used later to blackmail and extort money from CHOWDER HEAD and her husband.
In conclusion, I hate couples that like to flaunt Valentine’s Day in front of lonely singles such as myself.

VOICES...........

I woke up this morning to three voices arguing in my head.

Voice #1 Stay in Bed, FEMALE JIM. Call in sick to work today. They don’t need you it’s the slow season.

Voice #2 FEMALE JIM, get your Ass out of bed. You’re going to be late for work.

Voice #3 Kill CHOWDER HEAD

Yes this is how I wake up the every Friday morning for the past month. Well since CHOWDER HEAD and her husband decided to take fencing lessons and dubbed me to watch their kids on Thursday evenings. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy the kids. It’s what comes after that always makes Friday mornings undesirable.
In walk CHOWDER HEAD and her husband. They look a little sweaty. It must have been a good fencing lesson. Even the older of the two children knows something terrible is about to happen because she runs and hides in the other room. Me on the other hand greet them with smiles and eye the bag in her husband’s hand. It’s rum. I haven’t drank in a couple days and tomorrow is Friday, why not.
Hours later……I’m trying to keep up with CHOWDER HEAD. The bottle of rum is almost gone and I think CHOWDER HEAD is starting to slur her words. Oh I love it when she does that. Her Husband walks in and tells her the rum is gone. CHOWDER HEAD, “It’s time to go hoomme.”
Of course at this point the evil voices in my head say, “What no more rum. Let’s make a rum run. It’s only……Oh shit….It’s time to go to bed.”
This is why I thank the Espresso gods for putting a coffee stand on every corner in the dear city I live in. And I equally thank the Bagel gods for providing free bagels at the office on Friday mornings. If it wasn’t for these two things I would have succumb to voice #1. I'm still contemplating giving in to Voice #3 .

ALETA IS DRUNK AGAIN: WHY THURSDAYS??

thursday is the day.....
I am wondering why I haven't gotten the memo. I keep getting drunk on Wednesdays, dammit! Probably cause i'm so tired out from fencing my ass off.

WHY THURSDAYS??

It’s Thursday and CHOWDER HEAD is coming over to force a bottle of rum down my throat.
CHOWDER HEAD and her husband have been taking Fencing lessons on Tues and Thurs for the past month now. Every Thurs I get the pleasure of watching their two little girls. This is fun and entertaining, but as soon as fencing is over CHOWDER HEAD with her husband in tow show up at my house with a bottle of rum. I’m pretty sure there may have been a few times where CHOWDER HEAD has used a funnel to poor the rum down my throat.
Needless to say I will wake up Friday morning in a drunken haze and quite possibly a huge hangover. I will some how make it through work the whole time praying that somebody take me out of my misery. However, it will all be worth it if CHOWDER HEAD gives me some entertaining stories to post on the blog. That is almost a guarantee.

CLAM CHOWDER ANYONE.............

A couple weeks back I went to a friend’s house for dinner. She made clam Chowder. We are all drinking, eating, conversing, playing games, and having a good time. Aleta, as usual, begins her binge drinking right after walking in the door by downing multiple glasses of Vodka in a short period of time. (You see…Aleta will tend to get wasted when the rest of the group has just begun to enjoy a buzz.) All of a sudden….Aleta is drunk again.
“Time to go hoomme.” Aleta says. Thank goodness Ian, Aleta’s husband, stays sober since I rode in the same vehicle as them. We gather the children and head to the van. Ian and I are waiting for Aleta while smoking a cigarette. Out from around the corner comes Aleta with a full glass of Vodka in her left hand and a 2 quart tub of Clam chowder tucked securely under her Right arm. She is happy as can be strutting along on the ice that is covering the pavement.
Then it happens. The moment that is completely and utterly priceless. This moment that has kept me chuckling for weeks. Aleta’s feet come out from under her. She tumbles face down on the ice. Aleta lifts her head in a daze. She has managed to keep grip of her glass and the tub of Clam Chowder. However her glass is now empty and the lid of the tub had popped off and 1/3 of the chowder is missing.
Wait here comes another priceless moment ….The visual of Aleta once she emerges from the ground is hysterical. With the help of her husband, Aleta manages to get up off the ground while still clenching the tub of Clam Chowder. She now has clam Chowder dripping off the top of her head and it is completely covering the front side of her body. I’m surprised I didn’t pee my pants at this point. Aleta gathers herself and without a beat starts asking, “What happened.”
Needless to say, we will refer to Aleta as CHOWDER HEAD for all further correspondence.