The Adventures of CHOWDER HEAD

My life is never boring. This weekend was perfect! Not only for our yearly Memorial camp out, but for CHOWDER HEAD antics.
Night 1: Everyone gets settled in. Set up camp. Start drinking. This was a relatively uneventful night. We are still waiting on key people to show up. I go to bed early. FEMALE JIM got there late, so she'll have to fill in any missing details.
Night 2: CHOWDER HEAD gets off to an early start drinking beer. IPIE is keeping up with her pretty well until she switches to good ol' faithful rum and diet. Leg wrestling has ensued and she's beaten about 6 people. (this would pump anyone up, right?) Then of course, clothes start flying. A few runs around the fire with her top off is enough to get her to start harassing anyone with in her one-good-eyes pathway.
No luck on the coercion, (to her drunken dismay) but the night is still very young. Before long she's sitting next to me saying over and over AND over again how she, "hash named her babiezz after me, an' she would haf a kid at home in a secun." This is all interspersed with "SOGS! are you listening? I said, I juss love you" and stuff like, "SOGS! TAKE YOUR GODDAMN SHIRT OFF!", "RUN AROUND THE FIRE!"
Of course, I'm not near drunk enough to be doing any such thing. I nod my head politely, mumble something and slither off toward the other side of the fire. IPIE has proceeded to keep up with CHOWDERHEAD and by this point they are both pretty stinkin sauced.
Disaster is lurking right at the bottom of that bottle.....
CHOWDERHEAD finally decides its time to call it quits, but figures she should make one last ditcheffort to run around the fire with out any of her clothes on(except panties) ....
She SORTA makes it... Well, she actually throws her clothes down and does a half cart wheel/fall on your face/crash over a couple folding chairs/almost kick someone in the face-while-your-goin-down move.
I just happen to be walking back from relieving myself in the woods, and catch it all.
Let me tell you.
THAT MADE MY WEEKEND.
IPIE helps her up, and gets her clothes back on. I'm waiting for the inevitable, "WHAT HAPPEN???" to come flying out, but she's SO wasted the only thing she can say is, "SOGS!, I think bit my lip! Am I bleeding?, Yup. Yup. I'm bleedin." "
Now you'd think she'd be ready to go down. NOPE. She plants herself on IPIE's arm and proceeds to stumble around til he gets tired of it and tries to get her to go to bed. This is no simple task for IPIE. (He's almost as wasted as she is) After numerous failed attempts, he gives up and lets go....
Next thing we know, CHOWDERHEAD is now lying somewhat in the fire. There is a mad scramble to get her up and out of danger.
An unsuspecting friend runs to the rescue, only to be fallen directly on top of. (Luckily she learns lessons quickly.)
IPIE is determined he's gonna put her down. He manages to drag/pull her out of the ring of fire where she promptly falls down flat on her face.
Needless to say, I had one of the best laughs of my life until IPIE yells @me, "GODDAMN IT SOGS! GET OFF YOUR ASS & QUIT YOUR FUCKING LAUGHING, COME HELP ME!!"which of course makes me laugh harder..

***I am well versed in staying the hell away from CHOWDER HEAD when she is so drunk***

CHOWDER HEAD is finally yo-yo'd to bed, and after ducking from IPIE's grasp only 1 time, to yell unintelligible profanity at those of us still rolling around in convulsions from her behavior.

Gotta love camping..

.............more to come in the next installment of: AS THE CHOWDER HEAD TURNS

AM I THE ONLY ONE?

Why the FUCK is everybody getting married? What about good ol' living in sin??? Common folks!

BUSH WAXED

Apparently CHOWDER HEAD doesn't remember commiting herself to finishing off the job that my C.B.F. started. I guess I should have taken her slurred, "yesh" as a clue.. Damn it! I'll be waxing @ her house tonight, if your interested in stopping off.. (I'm thinking it's about time she started her sponsorship again) We can discuss camping while I'm ripping unwanted hair from your face!

BAR BRAWL...........

Why do people decide to get belligerent at bars after consuming mass amounts of alcohol??
CUTE BOYFRIEND, SOGS, COOL NEW FRIEND, and I decide to head over to the local bar across the street from my house. Of course, we make the decision to only have one pitcher of beer. As we exit the vehicle and start to enter the bar C.N.F. immediately starts talking to some guy. He proceeds to follow us in and takes a seat next to us at the bar. We decide that we are a bit cramped in the corner at the bar and decide to move to a table.
We sit down with our pitcher of beer. C.B.F. finds somebody to play pool with. SOGS and I decide to play a game of shuffle board. All seems well until C.N.F. somehow invites a LATINO from East L.A. and a REDNECK to sit next to her. SOGS and I are deep into our Shuffle board game. It’s neck to neck when all of a sudden……SQUAWK….SQUAWK….SQUAWK..

C.N.F.: “Well I can tell a bull shitter when I see a bull shitter.”
REDNECK: “You don’t know what you are talking about woman.”
C.N.F.: “Well you lied to me and I caught you in your lie. So, what is it? Have you known this guy (LATINO) for 10 years or did you just meet him like you said? And you LATINO, are you really married or what? You guys are just liars and bull shitters.”

As the conversation moves forward the decibels of the voice pitches keep getting louder and louder. The squawking is becoming almost deafening. This goes on for about 30 minutes before SOGS and I can’t take it anymore because it’s messing up our game. We finally put what we think is an end to the event. However C.N.F. isn’t about to let it drop.

After our 2nd pitcher of beer, SOGS and I settle back into our game of shuffle board since everything is starting to flow normally again. CUTE BOYFRIEND plays another game of pool with the REDNECK. The pool table is real close to where COOL NEW FREIND is sitting. So she starts egging on the REDNECK. By this time the LATINO has wised up and is staying away from C.N.F. I pop in just in time to hear:

REDNECK: “Women are supposed to serve men.”
SOGS, C.N.F., and my head all spun around and our eyes turned fiery red. That boy didn’t have a chance. I can’t remember what any of us girls said but I do remember REDNECK trying to quote the bible while holding a beer in his hand. At one point he did say something derogatory to us and my CUTE BOYFRIEND stepped in and told him that I was his woman and he can’t talk to me like that. Ahhh….My night and shinning armor. (Although, I totally could have taken this REDNECK on my own. After all, I think he was only 5 feet tall, and this is after we have started on our 3rd pitcher of beer.)

Well the night is winding down and we are walking out of the bar. COOL NEW FRIEND gets stopped at the bar. REDNECK is apologizing for calling her a fat bitch. C.N.F. is squawking away. Then REDNECK says, “I can only apologize for myself. I can’t apologize for the LATINO.” C.N.F. ends the evening by saying, “Well that’s because you don’t want to get your throat slit (by LATINO).” Nothing but boo’s at the bar after that comment.

Hmmmm. CUTE BOYFRIEND and I are regulars at this bar. I’m not sure how this is going to reflect on our standings. I mean after all its taken years to work up to getting a strong drink in that place. I don’t want to have to start over again now.

oH YEAH....

You missed out on a good party.. Everyone got drunk and left early. My house was actually still clean! Now THAT has never happened before. I decided that I needed to go to bed, but not before drunk dialing some people.. I called CHOWDER HEAD, and talked to IPIE.. I apparently made a play date for tennis, then called my C.B.F. about 5 times and talked like a robot on his v.m... How very mature and drunkenly of me..
I know, I'm SO very proud of my self..
I love getting waisted and hearing all about it the next day! What fun!

I NEED A DRINK

Why is it that I'm a complete glutton? I want a drink right now. I also wouldn't mind getting a little shitty tonight.. Is this some kind of subconscious thing that happens when I don't have to work the next day? (even though the week has barely began?) Does this make me a raving alcoholic, or what? It's not like I don't have to get up and get MINI ME to school tomorrow.. I do have things that would fill my day.. Maybe it's the simple fact that I can go straight home and go back to bed. OOoooOOoo.. to live in the lap of luxury for a day.. Maybe I'll make tomorrow a DAY OF BEAUTY.. I'll invite CHOWDER HEAD over and we can mask, wax our bushes, and paint our toe nails.....

THE BEER BELLY

I have long tried to loose weight and try not to have my excess drinking show. But now I aspired to have a BEER BELLY.
I would like to have a BEER BELLY where ever I go.

www.thebeerbelly.com

Damn it!

I am SO glad that I only have half days on Friday.. I can hardly sit still long enough for the 3 hours I have to be here as it is. I heard it is supposed to be over 60 degrees this weekend! Whoo HOo! I hope it keeps up for Memorial Camp-out weekend..Chowder head wants to go play some tennis this afternoon.. It's a toss up.. Play tennis...Ride my bike....Run on the treadmill...Go nap. hmmmm... Maybe, I'll do all the above. I have no Mini Me tonight so I really don't know what to do with myself. Got any suggestions?

ANOTHER DEBAUCHERY II

THE LADY RIDING HER YELLOW CANARY has come out of her shell. She is separated from JACKASS and the sun is starting to shine again. Since then she has been having nonchalant gatherings at her house. These of course involve alcohol. After the alcohol is flowing the stimulating conversation starts.
We have an array of quests at THE LADY RIDING HER YELLOW CANARY’S house. THE MEXICAN, BRUCE (THE MEXICAN’S husband) TATTERS and her man, CHOWDER HEAD and husband, SOGS, Me (FEMALE JIM) and CUTE NEW BOYFRIEND.
Everyone is gathered in the kitchen. This could be because this is where the food is. Or maybe it’s easy access to the wine and beer. It’s funny how when the women start talking that the men disappear. Perhaps we run them off with our loud chatter and even louder cackling. Men don’t seem to think that women are competitive, but I beg to differ. Because we are competitive the chatter and cackling gets louder and louder as the evening progresses. Why do you think woman have their menstrual cycles at the same time. This is to compete with other woman. You don’t want some other woman having sex nor picking up on men when you are cycling and not feeling your best, do you. (Actually, CUTE NEW BOYFRIEND told me that line last night. Interesting theory though.)
Anyway, the conversation quickly turns to sex and religion. Not sure why that is. But I’m certain that I made complete and total sense considering by this time I was on my second bottle of wine. I arrived late to the gathering. So, I had to make up by slamming my wine. You know…because I am competitive and all. CHOWDER HEAD was on decent behavior. She only flashed her tits once and that was actually aimed towards her husband. I think she may have even stayed some what sober. Amazing.
However, CHOWDER HEAD is sponsoring my C.N.B.F. and myself this evening. I’m certain this will consist of a gallon of rum. So, if I remember the events of tonight’s evening you will hear from me tomorrow.

Anothe night of Debauchery

CHOWDER HEAD came into work today totally hung over.. She told me she is paying for being drunk 4 nights in a row.. I've noticed the last few times she's been shit faced, instead of her lazy eye becoming the predominant feature, her eyes have just started to cross... She gets this faded look, her eyes cross, and her voice raises about 8,000 decibels....
I love the fact that when all us "unmotivated fat bitches" get together its like a fricken loud mouth circus.. Everyone is trying to make a point, and no one can hear a damn word anyone is saying, cause every one is trying to out/over talk the other ones.....

I DO....I mean, I DON'T!!!!

So, last night AUNTIE, SISTER & I all go over to the LOCAL BEER BAR. SISTER's B.F. told her he is shopping for rings.... That would explain the email I recieved yesterday from Tiffany's saying, "this is the one!!"
AUNTIE & I proceed to try and dissuade (sp?) SISTER.
To no avail. She has it all planned out.. AND, to make it all worse she's thought it all through.. DAMN IT!
Why doesn't she just put herself in the coffin and nail the lid shut???? I do like her B.F. and all, but I have a hard time trying to picture SISTER married..
Plus, I've always held out hope for FABIO..
And let me tell ya, he AIN'T no FAbio....
She assured me that she had set some stipulations..
1 year minimum engagement..
If she does decide to break it off, she keeps the ring.
He buys a house.
I can't really remember the rest, cause by this point we had moved to the LOCAL COCKTAIL BAR, and I was getting shitty....
I end up going home, crying to my CUTE B.F.about how everything is changing and SISTER is getting married blah, blah, blah........, then proceed to try and tell him all about his short comings, THEN proceed to pass out and snore REALLY loudly so he sleeps on the couch...
What's really great about it all is that today is his B DAY..
HAPPY B-DAY, CUTE B.F! You have a drunkart AND a jackass for a girlfriend! YAY!

meeting the parents

So.. How'd it go?
I got drunk again last night.. UGGGhhhh....I need to go home and nap!

Last Night

Sorry I didn't make it last night. CHOWDER HEAD came in and said she didn't get drunk until she got home.. Somehow I have a hard time believing that. She's running around saying, "I think I might be still drunk" hmmm... Why am I not surprised? Were gonna be having a party in the Valley this weekend for my C.B.F.'s Bday.. I'm sure your going to be working, so I thought I'd invite your CUTE B.F. and see if you wanted to come out after. There will be a place to crash and a fire. I mean, that's incentive enough for me to go. Thought I'd pass along the invite.

CLOWNS...............

THE LADY RIDING HER YELLOW CANARY threw a great party on Saturday night. I had to work that evening. So, I didn’t get there until everybody was already liquored up. CHOWDER HEAD was inebriated when I came in the house. Stumbling and slurring her words. THE MEXICAN was boisterous. As she usually is after a few drinks. TATTERS, SOGS, AUNTIE, and a few other people were attending.
THE LADY RIDING HER YELLOW CANARY immediately made me a margarita. Yeah for Margaritas!!! Then I settled in for drinking and conversation. I had brought a new friend of mine to the party and she fit right in. Not minding the drunken idiots and the drunkeneze talk.

The whole point of the evening was that it was supposed to be a “Girls night.” You know we get drunk and talk about sex or periods or something like that. Soon after I arrive a man shows up. It’s DUSTER. Now this means the evening has opened up to inviting more men because one man could never make it alive in a house full of women by himself. I think we all got on the phone and called our significant others and demanded they race right over. Now that it’s a Co-Ed party and CUTE BOYFRIEND has showed up things are going pretty well.

I knew CHOWDER HEAD wasn’t going to last long when I got to the party. Her lazy eye was starting to come out and she accosting DUSTER. She soon passes out on the couch. After stepping back in the house after having a cigarette I see that CHOWDER HEAD has something on her face. With a closer look I discover that it’s makeup. A Big A drawn with lipstick on her forehead, a penis on her chin and a mustache both drawn with eyeliner, a clown nose and whiskers to finish it off. I love CHOWDER HEAD but this is funny and well deserved.

The night starts to whine down and everybody starts to head out. A few of us are smoking cigs outside before we depart when all of a sudden CHOWDER HEAD emerges from the house. “What the fuck are you bastards doing? Come in and have another drink with me.” The three of us stand there speechless for about a minute and then we burst into laughter. She is unsuspecting that her face has been decorated like a clown. DUSTER is standing behind her shaking his head “no” so that we don’t give up the dirt. At this point we decide it’s time to make a break for it before she sucks us back into the house for more drinks. However, we can’t stop laughing even as we enter our vehicles and wave bye to CHOWDER HEAD AND DUSTER.